Pulse

Pulsing through my veins, desire for her taste
Thoughts of touching, undressing, caressing, hastened pace
Dripping with excitement, glistening sweat
Pulsing, heads throbbing with confusion, contraction, searching out distraction
Waiting, anticipating the end
Pulsing, my veins, vessels, heads, my heart, throbbing
Calm, release, cleansing myself
Impulses pulses at my minds door
Pulsing, pulsing, pulse no more

Sleeping dogs

Why in heaven would you raise the devil in me
It's not necessary, let me be
Let me show my good qualities

Silently it lays in wait
Why do you make me fight to keep it chained
I don't want to let it out
The devil in me is not a nice man

He's the defender of the weaker me
Shows no consideration, no favour, no quarter
My protector to whom no one else matters

The devil in me please let him be
All I ask is that you be good to me
It's the only thing keeping it from being free

My Angel

Last night an angel lay at my side
Perfect in form, gracefully poised
Innocence untainted, peacefully unconscious, blissful
An angel spawn from love,
Of angel and demon wrapped in human skins

Last night I saw an earth bound angel
Silent, unaware of his divinity
A testament to spirituality
Unaware of how narrowly he may not have been
Thankful for this gift, I touch, I experience,
The gift of being touched by an angel

An angel with no wings, no halo, no robes
Earthly angel Gabriel
Bask in celestial glow
When you wake, I'll will be here
A test to see, can I give you care
Can I shape this angel to be
Everything better than me

Rest my angel, while I lay here
Smile at you and touch your face
Amazed at this obtrusive grace
This Strong, Intelligent, Gift of Faith

More IB anyone

Ok this one has been brewing for about a week now, I have to get it out. Not that it warrants any serious discussion, I just felt like ranting a bit (albeit uselessly). Last week while reading the BBC Caribbean news in brief I came across an article that after the first couple paragraphs had me gleeful. But all good feelings come to an end; as did mine by the time I got to the third sentence of the third paragraph of the article. The article was about the ruling handed down by a judge in a landmark cyberspace case in Dominica.

In the article the judge ruled that three particularly malicious gossipmongers ( gossipmongers are malicious by definition, but these three real special) photo shopped the head of a former beauty contestant onto some female body engaged in sexual intercourse and emailed the damn thing all over the place. The court found them guilty of defamation and charged them $525,000.00 (they will paying that fine till the arthritis, osteoporisis, alzheimer - take your pick of old age ailments, takes over their ability to click send). You could not imagine my elation when I read that, finally I thought them damn gossipmongers get a chok (they got what was coming to them). On a side note, wasn't it in Dominica earlier this year where a guy attack his girlfriend's girlfriends for telling her he was horning her. The nature isle boy, it seems something else is part of their nature.

Right, so what got me peeved by the third paragraph. The story would go on to say and I quote "Dominica police were informed in 2007 about material circulating on the internet that targeted a number of well-known women on the island, alleging they had been involved in sexually explicit acts and other immoral behaviour." What the hell? Ok, you still trying to figure out what I vex about - "...and other immoral behaviour." Maybe it's writing technique, perhaps I misread, but it seems to imply that sexually explicit acts are some how immoral behaviour. Since when? Sex, immoral, for true - may be I'm wrong, but in these emails aren't people usually having sex, all types of sex (anal, oral, homo, hetro etc). So what immoral with sex again?

What happen to us and sex? Once sex is not discussed within the confines of the bedroom, watering holes, or for cheap political points - then it is dirty, lewd, immoral among other names heaped upon one of the most beautiful experiences on this planet. Is sex outside the constructs of what is socially acceptable immoral - if it is not sanctioned by the father, son and holy spirit, does that make it immoral. If what you do with and as a consenting adult some how makes it way to the internet, is the act of sex immoral - or is the act of posting the sex act on the internet immoral. What's wrong with these people on their moral high horses. They should probably try having more good sex (emphasis of good, otherwise the will become more frustrated), they would be too sated by the experience to bother them themselves with such frivolities, labelling and mischief.


Ok, now that I have gotten that out of my system I can get back to engaging in my own "immoral behaviour". Enough useless ranting, which just goes to prove my point, if I was having good sex right now I would not have time to write this shit.

The enigma of arrival :)

I dreamt in snapshots of love, with frames of familiar and not so familiar faces in alien territory. I have dreamt of many things before, epic battles between good and evil (my personal inner struggle), free falling to nowhere without end, sex - lots of sex, but this is the first time in recent memory I can recall dreaming of love.

What is this? It has invaded my dreams - I should be repulsed, but I'm not. I have found myself in a place that I've not been before, at least not in this way. My dreams seem to contradict the thoughts I have expressed about this emotion that lays men and women to waste in the desert of solitude, rancour and sadness.

I have allowed myself for the first time in a while to be vulnerable, but with this vulnerability has come a happiness that I have not known - and I am enjoying it. I choose to be happy at the risk of later being miserable - but I enjoy being happy so that is a chance I am willing to take.

The journey here was unanticipated, I'm not even sure when I arrived; but I know I'm here, in this space, this place, and I would have to be dragged out of it, because I'm not relinquishing it without a fight.

Who would have thought it could happen to me.

Learning from the past

The past eventually fades to the recesses of your mind, but it does so with the speed of a tortoise - while it fades, it is never forgotten. Is there ever a time when the past events of your life are so bad that you erase them from your memory? I suppose. But if we erase our past from our memories aren't we doomed to make the same mistakes again; shouldn't you hold on to some of, or maybe even all of your past so that you learn from it. It is much easier to say that you are letting go of the past than it is to actually let go of the past. The past has a life of it's own and won't be terminated just because you want it to.

You live, you learn.

Finally

There is a general misconception that accounting is all about figures; believe it or not more than a decade ago I thought the same. I have since learned the truth. Between yesterday and today I have read pages of information, all in an effort to ensure that what ever I write in my report can not be disputed. My last two years as an internal auditor has been a different experience from the previous 9 years in the accounting profession. People really do not like to see criticism about their work in black and white - I have seen sides of my colleagues that I prefer not to see over the last two years. Greetings from my colleagues have moved from "hey how you doing" to "what you want now" and "you again."

When it's slow, it's slow, but when the work comes it is taxing on the brain - I feel briefly alive at work, purposefully. I enjoy the firing of my neurons, after all the were not given to me by the great North Wind to lay un-utilised. Today was draining, partly because I was out liming last night, but more so because I used my brain. Damn it feels good to be tired from work.

Full of chat ...

I would like to consider myself a man of action (of course that is just my own opinion of myself and no other opinion of me matters - ha). It is incredibly irritating to me when people run off at the mouth and when it comes time to act on their many words they find themselves immobilized as if they were wearing cement boots. Bloody hell either do what you say you are going to do or shut the fuck up.


Either deliver on your word or don't give your word - it's really simple. Don't build people up to let them down. Ok that being said, I'm going to bed - it's 12:51am and I'm going to have a hell of a time getting out of bed in the next 5 hours. When you read this, don't bother ask me what I was ranting about, I either won't tell you, make up a story, or I probably would not freaking remember. Hey I just finishing writing the second page of the book - feels good; I think I'm going to hand it off to my partner and see where he takes it from where I ended.

Warning

Some people should come with warning signs - APPROACH WITH EXTREME CAUTION. This should give you ample notice that due care should be taken when coming into close contact with these individuals. That is not to say that the individual(s) is entirely not so good, just that the possibility exist that once you mess with these individuals you may be starting down a slippery slope - from which recovery may be difficult/complicated. Ah, but some slippery slopes are more fun and addictive than others, and actually worth a slide or three. Once you pop it's kinda hard to stop, but you enjoy it none the less.

There I go taking shit again. Oh well! I'm good at doing that DANGER DANGER DANGER.

I just finished writing the first page of a book I'm working on with a colleague, it's a new different experience and I think I can really get into it. I've got some ideas bouncing around in my head that I can't wait to get on paper/screen. Oh yes, this will be good.

This Friday feels alot like Monday

It's one of those mornings when you know it is going to be one of those days. At the end of this day I'm almost positive I will want to pull out what little hair I do have. Arrrrgghh!

I read a quote yesterday that said "life is what you get when you are born, living is what you do with it." What's living, I'm still trying to figure it out. Some would say what I'm doing is living; oh well - I'm thankful that at least I have life enough to continue trying to live or find out what living is about.

On the brighter side it's Friday and that means I don't have to see the office again until Monday. Until then I'm off to do what I get paid for - annoying my co-workers.

I'm not mad

A colleague said to me recently I need Jesus, therapy and pills, that was after reading a few of my postings . Apparently there is some in-congruence between the blog postings and the person she has interacted with - she would not be the first person to make that observation; truth be told when I re-read some of my postings I wonder whether I wrote it myself.

Perhaps I have multiple personalities, or maybe it is I just show people what I want them to see - psychologist may refer to this as self presentation - Johari's window rings a bell. I started on a path of self discovery some years ago and since the beginning of this journey I have taken many detours - perhaps these detours are part of the discovery. Somewhere along this path I stumbled upon the ability to express myself in black and white. Some of the things I would say between these lines I may probably never utter in public - may be it is for the very reason my colleauge so eloquently stated (it might become widely accepted public perception).

The thing is when I'm here, I'm here, there is nothing but my thoughts and feelings pouring out onto the page; no pretense. This blog has allowed me to accept most of me - the good and the not so good (my yin and yan - no one is one sided). I try to alter the not so good sometimes, cognizant that it can grate on the last vein of even budha. But budhist spend their life on the journey to nirvana - I would like to think that a budhist would agree you can't find nirvana until you are at peace with the pieces of yourself.

I am grateful for these many moments of clarity which I experience - especially when not prompted by yours truly.

Unborn

I lost a part of me today and I don't know how I feel about that. It was taken rather than lost. I had no control over what was taken - a mere observer. My emotions were mixed about the events that unfolded; it seemed inevitable - in my mind I ran through the possible scenarios, including the worst (but silently hoped for the best).

The difficulty I face is how I feel about today - believe it or not, part of me was annoyed and a bit angry at myself for not standing my ground, allowing compromise - for not being more selfish. Yet another part of me felt relief, a chance to start over; still a part of me felt disappointment. But I can't say I felt sad or hurt - was I suppose to? I don't know. I don't want to jump for joy at what happened today; but I can't weep for the loss either. Is that normal? What is normal?

Life goes on, but with every experience life gets altered just a bit - I suppose I will find out as the time passes how this experience alters my life. I had not had time to grow particularly attached to that part of me, so perhaps I will not feel the loss too much. But today I lost and it has changed where and how I go from here.

Simple is best

What were you thinking when you left your house
Carefully slipping on your blouse
Did you noticed how it cupped your breast
What were you thinking

Pants slowly creeping over your lovely arse
Did you turn around to give it a glance
Smiled and thought, he doesn't stand a chance
What were you thinking

Did you think I would notice your mind
The beautiful woman you are inside
Get past the exterior trappings of the flesh
Control my thoughts of getting you undressed
What were you thinking


Sensuality requires no thought
Confident and sexy in anything you wear
It should not matter who wants to stare
What were you thinking
I'm gorgeous, intelligent and self-assured


What are you thinking?

Incomplete

Slowly speeding to uncertainty
My only vessel this pen on the ocean of my thoughts
Thoughts uncharted, curious, mysterious, untamed
Longing to find a place, a purpose, a space

Moving through these murky waters the horizon out of sight
The only tool to navigate my pen plotting thoughts
Thoughts of spaces unknown departing from the known
Navigating my destiny, my story yet to be told