Sun kissed

Sun kissed sand colored skin lay bare

A tapestry of eroticism glowing with desire

Seeping lascivious proclivities, whispering

Taunting, teasing the senses

Senses eager, expectant of warm firm strokes

Creating a hedonistic masterpiece

Textured moor of pleasure, moist

Anticipating deep exploration

Warm exhalation of ecstacy, energies dancing 

Willfully participating in forbidden debauchery

Ebbing and flowing, edging to the delirium of sensual crescendo

Waves, waves bathe sun kissed sand colored skin  

Indica

My lips warm, moist, meets your skin
Stoking the embers of your desire
Your essence fills my lungs
Permeating through my every fiber
Carrying me to a celestial plain
Waking my senses, elevating my mind
Body and soul connect
Your aromatic scent wafts about
Clinging, caressing my skin
Seeping through my pores
Sensations, electric
Excitedly calm, contemplative, expectant
Anticipating the elation, the crescendo
I inhale you, deeply, holding your scent
Savoring your essence,
Your taste on my lips
Exhale, slowly, float down to earth
Ecstasy, dissipating, sated 

Ceteris Paribus

Semi-permanence, or is it more permanence
Permanence in the nature of change,
Change being permanently constant
Less permanence, more change
Changing status, changing statuses
Whatsapp status, social media status, social status
Permanently changing, body goals, fitness goals, love goals
Relationship goals, life goals
Life goal's, post constantly semi-permanent

Just Another Story

They say the first step in addressing an addiction or moving past any problem is to first acknowledge and accept it; I have been in denial for a while I suppose, but every now and then you have these moments of clarity, my what the fuck moments, my Earl listen to the universe moment, my stop trying to go against the grain and prove everyone wrong moment. That moment came this morning on my balcony looking out to where that palwee tree use to be, and for a moment, I missed it - then my wife brought to my attention how she never noticed how tall the other trees actually were because the were short in comparison to the palwee tree. She highlighted that since the palwee tree had been cut down there had even been new leaves on the other trees. That right there was my moment of clarity, that ahha moment, that but why did you do that you idiot moment.

I can be quite stubborn, I really do like having things my way. I almost had a relapsed, but I kinda caught myself. I was better prepared to let go and walk away and accept that this is an addiction, an unhealthy addiction and my health is somewhat important to me, my mental and emotional health are paramount.  So this is my first step in my how many eth step program - I am sure it won't be easy, matters of the heart seldom are, but one must do what one must, self preservation is important. It was a good run, there are plenty take-aways from it, but I need to be away from it, let my palwee tree slowly fade from memory. It is what it is. Just another story.

The Palwee Tree

Moments of reflection, or life’s epiphanies can happen when we least expect it, in the strangest of circumstances. Mine happened yesterday while I watched my favorite mango tree being cut down. I marked this tree years ago to be cut, it was big, didn’t bear much fruit and what little fruit it did bear was out of my reach – and as if sensing it’s impending demise it made a turn for the best, bearing fruit with more frequency than any other tree around, mangoes were now on the lower branches within reach, like the tree found new life. I enjoyed reaping the harvest, taking photos of my harvest and posting them online for friends to see and envy my harvest.

But this tree had grown so big that it stifled the growth of every other tree around it, even fruit bearing trees that I had much preferred initially, but at the time it had not occurred to me that this one tree which I was reluctant to get rid of was the cause of the other trees not growing properly and not bearing any fruit. The trees in it's shadow all leaned away from it searching desperately for sunlight and space to grow. I watched as this tree I loved fell to the ground, loud crashing sound - you could almost hear it cry, every fiber of it's existence broken as it slowly collapsed, in that moment when it hit the ground I felt its pain, I felt my pain and it occurred to me what I felt had little to do with the tree. I prioritized my second favorite mango tree at the cost of my favorite mango tree and the other fruit trees around it - much like I neglected my first love for my second, blind to the effect it was having on them; in the scenario of the tree I don't know which tree I am, if I even was a tree; perhaps I was the man cutting down the tree, severing ties with my past - I'm not sure. 

In that moment yesterday that tree seemed a metaphor for my personal life for the last few years. The center of focus was the wrong place, the effects were felt by all, but I was oblivious as I got what I wanted and cared little for the blowback. As with every experience in my life I attempt to learn from them - this was indeed a hard lesson to learn. I have few regrets in my life, but this was definitely one of those regrets. Time to press forward; live laugh and love. 

Distractions

When we go through a break-up we often attempt to deal with the pain in many ways; the most common way it to ignore it; we find all things to occupy our time and mind, we get busy and "distracted" - but that is always, always short lived. Being distracted from the emotional torment of a break-up is akin to pretending to be an ostrich, if it sticks its head in the sand and doesn't see the threat it assumes the threat no longer exist. Distractions do not take the pain away, it just mask it for a short time - the minute the distraction is done everything comes surging back; you drink and lime and have a good time and if you consume enough liquor perhaps you forget, the opposite is just as true, the more liquor you consume the more the thought and feelings consume you. You bury yourself in work, your mind is fully engaged not time and space to let feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment and despair creep in, no time to think about your lost love - but you can only work so many hours, then you must get in your car, just you and the sound of the tire rolling by on the road and your thoughts, the minute it comes you try to push it back and it just pummels through. Distractions from the hurt you feel are the worst way to deal with a break-up; they only prolong the pain, they make you become distant and cold, build up walls, love a little less, live a little less - distractions are the breeding ground of fear to live laugh and love. 

Vacuous Statements

Women have truly been the bane of my existence; I have a perpetual love hate relationship with them – the love part being highly fueled by primal desire; the hate fueled by the fizzling of that desire. I have found over the years that most women should never be held to their word, although they may argue that at the time, in the moment they said what they meant, and meant what they said – but women are as predictable as the weather and vacillate with such frequency that it becomes dizzying.  And therein lies the problem, when one allows themselves to become emotionally invested in someone, and believes wholeheartedly their words, and turns a blind eye to their pattern of behaviour, ignores prior actions; invariably one sets up oneself for that earth shattering let down - love hate relationship. Words can be so flowery, sweet to the ear, because it is what you want to hear, perhaps even what you need to hear at the time, but as cliche as it sounds, actions truly do speak louder. Some years ago I wrote something to the effect that we don't always get what we want, but we always get what we need...even when we're blind to our own needs. Trust none of what they say, observe everything they do...give them just enough of you that it doesn't matter when they leave, because inevitably they all leave.