Observer

Drifting to sleep awake in my sit
Awake enough to know this is not what I seek
Contagious boredom, corroding my mind
Wondering out loud whether this life is mine

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs come to mind
Self actualization a bit harder to find
The climb seems so arduous, defeating at times
Life with out challenge is not life at all
We strive and press on to make it sublime

Living torpid, life drifting by
Struggling to hold what’s rightfully mine
Searching in darkness, hoping for light
Aware that it’s fear that has darkened my sight

Drift out of sleep, wake in this sit
Awake and pursue what you seek
Scrape off the rust and jump start your mind
Scream out loudly, I will make this life mine

Stay tuned

I'm growing tired of writing about my existence and giving myself advice in my blog that I don't take. It should be enough that I am otherwise content/happy in the other aspects of my life - but seeing that the greater part of the day is spent working it would seem that getting that one right is more important for now. Why can't I make decent money doing what I enjoy and not have to leave St. Lucia. I love my little island, I love life here - it is me. I don't want the fast pace of the metropolitan but I want the opportunity for professional fulfillment that it brings. Man that sucks. Fuck it! I'll find a way to have this how I want.

These were the words I typed to a friend today as the thoughts leaped out of my head and onto the computer screen. It would seem that I had a moment of clarity. So in true secret fashion, I have the thought of the what in my head - I have the tools to achieve the what; right now the only uncertainty is the path and the duration to get to that path, but fuck it the universe will figure out the rest. I'll tell you how that turns out.

The expectation of trust (my version)

Some time ago I set out to write about trust - more specifically whether knowing what to expect from your partner could be considered the ultimate expression of trust. I even set out to carry out a small informal survey, I got some interesting responses and had some interesting discussion with a couple colleagues about the subject. But ultimately I did not end up approaching this as I originally intended. The word or rather the concept of trust popped up again in my head today while in the kitchen and it beckoned me to write a bit.

I have never questioned whether I trust my partner over the last few years - truth be told, I never even gave it any thought, and today was no different. It occurred to me that trust is not of paramount importance to me in my relationship as the relationship gurus would have me believe it should be. I don't know that I would consider my relationship unconventional - but I think it is more important to me that my partner understands me and I understand her; even more paramount is that we understand ourselves. It's not an exact science, clearly, hence we will have the occasional butting of heads - but that we understand that this is a give and take, a dance we have decided to do until such time as our feet grow tired and we expire.

No one can determine for you what should be most important in your relationship; no one should be allowed to define your relationship - it is yours and no one else, no one knows better than you what works for you and what does not. Trust, expectations, are only parts of a relationship - it is not the whole; determining how important it is and what it means to you is something different.

I have digressed a bit from subject. Human beings don't always leave up to your expectations and occasionally they betray your trust. Expecting a particular behave from someone can not be misconstrued as trusting that person in the strictest of definitions- perhaps you can say you understand them, and you trust them as far as you can throw them on a good day (which may not be very far). They're all intertwined, one not more important than the next (at least to me); I understand someone, which would inevitably lead to me having certain expectations of that person, which would in turn lead me to place some measure of trust in that person.

Damn! This is less clear cut than I thought. I'm going in circles in my head here. Suffice to say - I accept that to err is to be human; no one will always live up to expectation, no one will always be honest about everything and no one fully understands themselves, much less another human being. Perhaps when thinking about expectation, trust and all the pie in the sky words that some times leave us emotionally flat on our ass - we should simply apply Murphy's law - "anything that can go wrong will go wrong." If we keep that in mind it will probably save us a lot of unnecessary stress.

Better must come

Its been a while since I've found myself lost in my thoughts, and today is no exception. It would seem my thoughts are not as dense as before, the woeful effects of climate change I suppose. Still waters run deep, but it is also true that there are always exceptions - my waters are shallow for now, though quite still.

My life is routine, everything goes according to a non-existent plan. Wake up, eat, bath, dress, go to work ( at least physically - the rest of me is out wondering in parts unknown, wishing my able body would join in) do the usual - be busy doing nothing ( nothing that means anything to me beyond a pay check). Sad isn't it.

The work day is done, I hop into my car speed down the hill with music blaring, shutting out everything else on my way to pick up Sofie to head to the gym (I like that part of the day); but first I must sit through the afternoon traffic. With my work out done, I press on with the routine - go pick up J, head home, talk, eat, bath, head to bed to wake up the following day and start all over again. Oh fuck! Really, is this what passes for a life. It can't be. Ok, so I do go out on occasion to add some spice to this otherwise dull dish of life. But seriously. The sad thing is, some people wish for this existence I have.

I want more out of life, but I have no idea where I should start. Till I do, I will express my frustrations in these lines, be thankful for what I do have and hold on to these words: "when better can't be done, worse must continue."

In need of rehab

They say the first step to addressing any problem is to first admit there is a problem. Maisia, I have I problem, nah it's a sickness. Garson, why every time I see a good looking woman my mind and my body just do a shate. I see a good looking woman and my thoughts become scrambled, I am momentarily paralyzed, just at the sight, not a thought of doing anything to that woman - just the sheer magnificence of the female structure numbs my brain. What the fuck?

Nah, I tell you I sick. Understand, I don't want to fuck every woman in the world, I have long since come to terms with the fact that I can't - truth be told I don't look at these women with that solitary thought in mind either (at least it's not the first thought). It's more like damn girl, why the fuck you have to look so good.

The thought is ephemeral - but for that moment it last - OMG! Fortunately I am not a very forward person - Sofie would say I choose who I'm forward with; perhaps there is some truth to that. But I would not walk up to a perfect strange and say damn girl you looking good - or any variation of that; nor would I say something like; "uh miss doh take it da wrong way but you should make somebody take a picture of your ass so you could see how good it looking" I would probably think that, but I would not say it.

My good god, there are a lot of fine looking women in this place - what the eyes can't see the heart (or any other part for that matter) can't speak of. I thank god every day for my sight, I thank him/her doubly when I see a good looking woman.

A.D.I.D.A.S

Spent, he reclines into his arm chair – left foot extended, right foot slightly bent towards the chair. Eyes shut, breathing slowing as he replays those last few exhilarating moments in his mind. Sweating bodies; pelvises pressing firmly against each other, whispers of ecstasy growing to boisterous moans on the cusp of a mind numbing orgasm – aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! Gathering the reserves of his energy he raises his head and opens his eyes to the vision of her silhouette – sprawled across the bed slipping into a state of unconsciousness from sheer exhaustion, he crawls to her side and lays there for a moment taking in the vision of the beauty that lies before him.

He kisses her gently on the cheek as if to say thank you for such amazing sex; she replies you’re welcome with a hushed moan. Flashes of her body bent – head back, mouth open, breast glaring at him while she calls out his name and urges him on to fuck her races across his mind. With that flash he begins to trace the curve of her back down to her lovely ass – grabbing it firmly. She responds with a slight roll of the waist – he continues down her inner thighs with his hands, feeling every fiber of her muscles beneath tense with anticipation. Exhaustion has seem to fade with every touch, every kiss; with one swift move he turns her onto her back and begins to kiss her passionately – tongues massaging each other hungrily. The excitement has grown, it is evident by his pulsing member; she is drenched with anticipation. He brings her nipples to his mouth while his hands continues down her body – he feels her, she wants him, no time for further foreplay – “fuck me now” these words forcefully escapes her lips. Being the gentleman that he is he cedes to her request sliding his cock into her wet pussy – she lets out a sound of contentment. Mmmmm!

Kneeling between her legs he grabs hold of each thigh and spreads he legs open so he can see his cock enter her pussy with every stroke – long, short, fast, slow. Slowly he exits her and rocks her back till her knees are near her head – then he guides his cock back into her. The sound of sweating pelvises slapping against each other is becoming louder and faster – each thrust deeper and more pleasurable than the last; each moment getting lost in the delirium of bliss. Her mouth opens to speak words with no meaning, eyes shut, muscles tense, her body starts to quake, her hands seek out anything to squeeze as she lets out her screams – oh fuck, oh fuck, baby, baby, baby I cumming – arrghh. The sound of her climax excites him and there is little he can do to stop his own inevitable culmination – he lets out a thunderous sound, not a word, no meaning just the sound of release. He collapses into her arms – drenched, exhausted, unable to speak, they breathe slowly muster the remnants of they energy to exchange a kiss and drift off to sleep.

Sleep Interrupted - 5:20am

I tossed and turned in my bed for a bit
The images so vivid I silently shrieked
It's darkest before the dawn
The dawn must be near
This dream I had it brought me some fear

I screamed, shouted and cursed them away
The agony of the past lingered and stayed
What must I do, do I stop being me
The voice on the other end filled with pain and despair
Reaching the point that no longer cared

I could hear the pounding of the surf through the line
Briefly wishing I could travel through time
Stop the pain, rewinding each hand
Could I make that promise, not do this again
My thoughts so conflicted, with pleasure and pain
I pushed her to far for her to remain

I want her, I need her to be in my life
These battles I fight, they're all for my wife
Who I am is not what she wants
She asked me to change, I said that I can't
One more time I hear the surf pound at the shore
Her voice fades with the sound
We can't do this no more

The line goes dead, the phone in my hand
I open my eyes, awake from this dream
Happy that's all it was
And not the real thing