Nature vs Nurture

A young woman of one score and eight, said men always mess up something great
Is it our fault the flesh is weak, the little head thinks the words we speak
It is our nature to sate our desires, humans flee from pain, it's pleasure we seek
Sexual infelicity, indiscreet or discreet is never meant to cause deliberate grief

Feeling low

I feel like I want to cry. This part of my life sucks. I feel like I can run away screaming. Why should my work environment make you feel so shitty?

Down with the PC

Isn't there a time when political correctness and doing things the proper way become fucking overbearing. When did we get to the point of being embarrassed by the human body in all its splendor; when did profanity used for expression, emphasis and ole talk become so dirty and frowned upon. In our so civil A moral society, everything with the least bit of an expression of sexuality has become so tawdry - the root cause of all social ills.

This pusedo Christian society run a muck, has over preached and over legislated sensibility and simple human logic; it is slowly stiffling free expression, free choice and the god given freedom to be human and occasionally fuck up. The lines of what is offensive is becoming as thin as a one ply sheet of toilet paper - full of shit.

My god, what is wrong with these people? When did we start letting people think for us and decide what is good and what is bad for us; when did what offend a small group automatically become what offend the mass; when did we lose our self to group think.

All this because I got pissed off at the office. It was only an email; provocative, but still only an email. Why must I walk on eggshells and second guess everything for fear of offending someone's lack of sensibility or being reprimanded. God some of these people could use a stiff drink and some stiff...

Growing frustrated

What in the fuck am I doing here? This place is sucking my life, my joie de vivre - it's meaningless unfullfilling; the people are plastic, pretentious, unwilling to rock the boat challenge the status quo. Something has to give. I have to make something move - I've got to get those plans in the pipe line going. Better will come.

Ovulation of Infidelity

Infidelity is like the process of conception – post ejaculation. Millions of would be suitors approach this one attractive object of their desire; but it is resistant, most – sometimes all the suitors don’t stand a chance and their advances are quickly rejected; the unworthy.

However, on occasion the opportunity presents itself, the suitor is persistent, appealing/attractive – the mood and the vibe feels right, and the much sought after object of the suitors desire is willing, able, going on something other than logic – the suitor goes through.

Viola, conception has occurred. Conception much like infidelity; some people may go through their entire life without conceiving/cheating (or contributing to the process); some may conceive/cheat just once; and some once their have started down that road it becomes difficult to stop without the use of some unnatural means (with conception, it’s contraception, with infidelity it may be castration).

Don’t take this as the go ahead to go all Lauren Bobbit – no off with his “head”. Infidelity is an equal opportunity eventuality.

Sign language

Signs, we see them all the time, but do we really understand what they are all about
Stop, no entry, no access, beware
Do we see what they mean, do we even care
They glare at us we know they're there, but they speak words we don't care to hear
Stop, beware, you are not wanted here, caution, danger, harzadous to your health
Read between the lines of unspoken words of signs,
Listen to the message lingering in your mind
The signs speak so loud, they make a deafening sound
You know what they say,it's your nature to disobey
Signs you choose to disregard bare repercussions which might be quite sad
Heed the signs you are not blind, the hands of time can't unwind

I do. Really?

It's an all too familiar tale - married man/woman meets available woman/man (not necessarily single); she's digging him, he's digging her - they are physically attracted to each other and willing to kiss and don't tell (at least so they say - we know better). He/she will say one of three things;  he/she is happily married (that does not equate to I don't want to fuck you; neither is his desire to fuck her an indictment on his wife's sexual prowess - it's simply an indication of him using his other head to think, which of course it was not designed to do); he is unhappily married (some times that is a lie, but it may result in her letting her guard down a bit); or he will say nothing about it (yep, he'll pretend that the band is merely jewelry - or he will out right lie and say he is not married - or he might just not be wearing his band). For her part she might give a sympathetic ear or tune out the rhetoric and keep her eyes on the "prize" - it doesn't really matter, she already knows what she wants, so happily married, unhappily married or in denial, she will still let him "tap that".

Now what was suppose to be a passing tryst, a fling, has mushroomed into a "relationship" - with just as much if not more drawbacks, complications and frustrations. What the fuck happened? That question won't be answered until later - through therapy (be it a professional psychiatrist, trusted friend(s), the bottom of a bottle, or some other creative means). The question like the answer does not come till later; because for right now - you're almost as happy if not happier than a pig in mud.

But then the inevitable happens...it ends, however it ends (details not required), it ends. Things are said in anger, in hurt, disappointment - promises are made (they are comforting to fools and people hopelessly in love - but sometimes said with venom and cuts worse than a knife). And the fable continues, new chapter same story, minor variations in the characters, fables, tales, stories, like everything else must end. The book may be closed and a new one picked up. Will it be better than the last? Better must come they say - but how long will better take to come? Are you willing to find out, or will you work with what you have? When better can't be done worse must continue. Really?

This story told by many men and women repeatedly is evidence that the insane are committed.Unfortunately or fortunately there are more committed people roaming the streets than the halls of the mental institution.

Who wants to know

Last night, rather this morning while sitting at a table sipping on my poison of choice (Campari chased with Piton Beer), I over heard a gentleman playfully saying to a sheep dressed up in lambs clothing (mind you he was no spring rooster himself), that to know him is to love him - he smiled, she chuckled and they continued their conversation. And the cogs of mind began going - I wondered for a moment or two, could the same be said about me; whether superficial love or otherwise. Is to know me to love me? Would someone having taken time to look passed the bullshit, peel away a layer or two, have a serious conversation flowered with a bit of humor - love me; not necessarily romantic love, but love none the less. Would knowing me have meant anything or changed anything in their life, would they miss me when I'm no longer part of their lives. I suppose I may never know - that isn't exactly something you carry out a survey for is it.

Knowing me can be like an orgasm - some times you get it, some times you don't, but when you get it good you want more.

Breaking Clouds

We're not out of the woods yet but the trees, terra firma,us homosapiens (at least on my tiny beautiful isle of St. Lucia), even the cars which have been dirty for weeks on end are breathing a sigh of relief. We look to the heavens with joy at the decending rains -  yes, you never miss the rain until the clouds run dry.

Expressions of Interest

Eyes wide shut looking up
They say give it to me, I want it so much
Teeth barely visible through beaten lips
Mouth opens, tongues fail to speak

The face a canvas of pleasure less pain
Bodies refrain, but not much again
Open up let it out, release ecstasy with a shout
I want it, I need it, there is no doubt
Give me it all, stop holding out.

Faithfully departed

Today I discovered that it was possible to dislike someone I did not know, it was even possible to feel anger towards that person - and in all honesty it makes no sense to me. We buried my grand mother today - and while I was indifferent about her passing; today while I sat in the church listening to the priest and thinking of what little I knew about her it angered me; and I still can not wrap my mind around why.I learnt her first name the day she died, today I learnt her surname and her age.

What I know of her are the recounts of unplesant experiences that my mom had - and that was her single story. This afternoon a gym buddy of mine told another story, and painted her in a different light, one foreign to my mind and foreign to the experiences of my mother. Sofie would say blame is one of the most ineffective coping tools (not in those words - but something along those lines); but the hardship my mom endured lays for the most part at her feet. I suppose she either did not know better how to treat my mom, or had her neurosis that she lacked the relevant coping skills to address. For a moment at the service today I tried to reframe and internalise my anger - I even tried to see the positive to what I consider to me ill treatment of my mom.

In my mind her lack of expression of love and support for my mom contributed to her doing her best to show me love and support in my life, and for that I am eternally grateful. She is gone now and I can't tell her that I don't like what she did to my mom, I can't tell her that I don't like that she wanted my mom to treat us the same way, so I'll say it here. I don't know that I need closure but it feels like I do.

Sigh

I don't want to be here today - I'm not sure I want to be here any day; but in particular today. It's not fatigue, it's not lack of work, it's just a general sense of not wanting to be sitted here at my desk. I want to be anywhere but here.

Sun sun go away come back another day...

I can't recall when, if ever, showers of rain were received with such excitement and elation. Yes today it rained, not a drizzle for a few seconds struggling to make it down to the earth succumbing to the intense heat and barely registering as precipitation - but rain; continuous showers, I'm talking wipers on medium or fast (depending on the quality of your wiper blades), dancing/walking in the rain, trees, grass and terra firma screaming hallelujah, rain.

Today 15 March 2010, it rained for the first time in - hold on, I can't remember when last it rained; yes, that is how long it has been - like a celibate person having sex for the first time in a very long time, it was a pleasure getting wet. The city breathed a bit easier today - got a much needed jolt - it was the first time in weeks I saw an overcast sky which actually brought with it some rain. We can use a few more days like this - but once things normalise, people will be back to complaining - "wha happen to dat f@#*ing rain." The peculiarities of situations in our nation only manage to bring about ephemeral change and concern.

But at least for today - it rained and we were all happy for it.

It coming

Carnival is a few months away - but already I can feel the buzz. The gym is packed, talk of the fetes and the vibes around carnival is rife. Recollections of last year's bachannal is swirling creating a hype that will culminate in the dizzying two day frenzy of reckless abondon and surrender to revellry. I cyah wait.

Terms and Conditions apply

The truth shall set you free - but that truth can sometimes come at a cost.There is this school of thought that human beings for the most part will shy away from anything that may cause pain. I suppose getting to the truth knowing the possible adverse outcomes of that truth is the exception to that school of thought. I think there was a clause or fine print which was overlooked in that statement "the truth shall set you free" - terms and conditions apply; the truth may result in feelings of betrayal, disappointment, anger, hurt and all manner of ill feelings dependent on the nature of the truth, please exercise due caution in your relentless pursuit and confession of the truth.

Fate-fully departed

My grand mother on my mother's side died on Wednesday - 10 March 2010. I have not shed a tear, have had no swell of any emotion. She's gone from this world but she was never part of mine. I can't feel for someone I never knew. From the little I knew of her, I was not inclined to get to know her. I didn't even know her real name. if nothing else when one departs this terra firma, they should leave in good standing with most if not all their family. They say do not speak ill of the dead - but I pay attention to few of what "they say". It is sad to die and few if any of your family including your offspring feel no sense of loss. I pray I leave a better impression and legacy behind, that I will be missedn albeit not forever.

Ok so I limed

My head throbs, my eyes burn and my nose is stuffy, all but the last are the side effects of an unplanned night of liming and inadequate sleep. I left home last night with no specific intent to end up liming - at least not liming by my standard definition (ask me what that is when you see - it will give me enough time to think of one). As per usual I popped in by my cousin for a few, then it was off to an after work lime of one of the new carnival bands for 2010 - Chaos (actually I'm not sure whether they spell it with a K or a C). Linked up with a few buddies there then it was off to Happy Day bar - so much for not liming right.

I met albeit briefly (but long enough) an interesting gentle man from Jamaica. I had seen him before with another Jamaican buddy of mine but never bothered to engage him in conversation. He was having a drink of course, after all he was at a bar, but what I found interesting was that he was a recovering alcoholic - of course he was having a non-alcoholic drink. I thought briefly, why is a recovering alcohol at a bar; it has been five years since he has touched the devil's nectar. He related some of his story to me; some of the usual, how alcohol kept him from his family, how he could not see the damage it was causing no matter what they said; the constant excuse he made to himself to justify his continued consumption, until of course it came to a head and he decided he needed to get his shit together. He said the most interesting thing was his marriage, he's separated from his wife but they are in counselling. But what he said next made me laugh a bit - he said having quit drinking he started seeing things he had not noticed before and he found himself asking; who is this woman I married.

We continued speaking for a while then I excused myself to go check another buddy. I've never had such a brief and interesting conversation with anyone at a bar. Can I tell you, that was probably the highlight of my night. The drinking continued until I was ready to head home - that was about 2:30am. So much for not liming. And now I'm here, head throbbing eyes burning, my alarm went off at 5am, I accidentally put it to alarm for this morning, that added to J being in one of his moods, and the intermittent replays of the nights events did not make for a good morning.

WTF

Why me, why you, why now, why then
Why the perpetual thoughts of why
Why that cool summer night, why you in my sight
Did I choose this, or did it choose me

Why that chance connection, purposeless intention
Why does your voice make me smile, your smile drives me wild
Why do I want your lips on mine, our bodies entwined
Who chose this, was it you, was it me, was it beyond you and me

Why do you look at me that way
Is there something you want to say
Why haven't we gotten off this track
We leave momentarily, then come right back

Why did you say yes to me
Didn't you know how it would be
Is this our destiny
You with me, for as long as this could be

Why you, why me
If not you if not me, then who
Why now, why then
If not then if not now, then when

Why, why, why
Questions, no answers

Say what you mean to say

Say what you mean, mean what you say
I say, I like the way I feel when you touch me
I mean, touch me some more
I say, I like your breast on my back, your pussy on my ass
I mean, hold me in your arms

Say what you mean, mean what you say
I say, we only talk about work
I mean, let's talk about anything else
I say nothing watching you, lost in my thoughts
I mean to say, my god I am so blessed

Say what you mean, mean what you say
I say, not by choice, but by nature
I mean, it is my nature, I made these choices
I say, I love you
I mean, I don't want to be without you

Say what you mean, mean what you say
I say, I'm not doing this again
I mean just that
I mean to say what I mean
What I mean is not always what I say

Sex-ting

Fingers move feverishly, stroking, deliberate
They prompt and urge, tease and tell
Express lascivious thoughts in touch

Not really LMAO

I was recently reminded of a song by John Legend "Number One" http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/johnlegend/numberone.html ; it had me thinking a number of things:

• Ignorance is bliss
• Information is power
• What happens in the dark must come to light
• Curiousity killed the cat
• The door of curiousity swings both ways.
• Be careful what you wish/ask for; you just might get it
• Never pretend to be something or someone you're not
• Perfection is farce
• Leave well enough alone
• Right up there with let sleeping dogs "lie" (pun intended)
• What you don't know can't hurt you
• Right up there with ignorance is bliss - but what you're curious about just might hurt like hell
• Honesty is not always the best policy; but frankness is a good substitute.
• Life happens, and life goes on.

The thoughts keep coming, but for now I'll put them on pause. Damn! People amuse me.