Tired of disappointment

How many times must I be thrown from my saddle, how many times must I experience disappointment, how many times must I be taken to emotional lows? I grow tired of the plateau, I am in need of a high, a sense of fulfillment - accomplishment. It eludes me, and that distresses me. I am stuck in a rut of my own making - but I am clueless as to how to get out. I need to re-focus my energy on me, everything else needs to become secondary, if only for a time; I must get off this plain. Once again, I must pull myself together and press on - it is tiring.

Happy Daze

Indelible foot prints on the shore of my mind
Memories seared and left behind
Chance meetings, glances exchanged
Whirl wind experiences, psyches scathed

Recollections of convenient tryst linger
Conspicuous liaisons of paramours
Unabated unhindered surrender to desire
Remnants of reminiscing rush with wonder

What was will be, only good for memories
Save thoughts of what is, what is going to be
Embrace now,  what it could be
Nothing is lost that is kept in memories

Citizens at Ransom

I think it is better to be a criminal in this society. It seems when you attempt to be a law abiding citizen you get shafted by the policy/law makers. Crime is on the rise, so what do they do - impose measures aimed at curbing crime which does nothing but make law abiding citizens feel like criminal. Revenues low because criminals don't hold 9-5s, what do they do - tax the shit out of the people who are gainfully employed. What the hell? Seriously. I work hard for my money, I have to work hard to keep it from the criminals and even harder to keep it from government coffers.

Devil's Nectar

Hi, my name is (Insert Name Here) and I'm an alcoholic. Just like in the movies.

Sofie has concerns that I can down a few drinks too many on occasion. She's right, when I decide to drink - boy can I drink. So out of sheer curiosity I goggled alcoholism. Guess what? According to all the studies I have a problem with alcohol - it eh like me not one bit. Apparently it is a progressive disease, and I could progress to it if there is not an immediate intervention. This is me screaming for help :-() :-() :-() :-). Who am I kidding?

Damn it! My version of social drinking is apparently alcohol abuse, for the simple reason that I socialise too much. The literature even said if you have a drink of preference that is a sign of alcoholism - and here I thought I was being cultured :-). I thought alcoholics did not really care what it was once it got them drunk. Damn it! I thought wrong - oh well. On the upside I currently have 3 drinks of preference in the following order: Hennessy (no chaser); Dewar's (no chaser); Campari (chased with beer), so maybe I'm not quite an alcoholic (but chasing liquor with liquor - hmmm).

In conversation last night, I toyed with the idea of not drinking for lent - then I remembered I'm not a devout Catholic - thank god for small mercies. Some time ago I instituted a 4 drink maximum (don't ask me why - I do strange shit like that sometimes) - it's been a while I have moved past 4 drinks (don't ask me why, same reason as before) ; I should probably make a more concerted effort to return to that maximum consumption level (I'll ask myself why later). So that all fears of future problems with my drinking are allayed I will make considerable effort to socialise less. Now what will I blame it on?

I know someone reading this will not find it the least bit funny - but guess what? I'm LMAO here. :-) :-) :-)

8 too late

I feel like screaming AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Damn it! It too shall come to pass...

S.o.D

Say yes!
Yes to what?
To anything and everything
Say yes!

Yes to your heart palpitating at my sight
Yes to your pulse racing from my touch
Yes to the silly things I ask you to do
Yes to losing me in you
Say yes!

Don't ask why, what, when, or how
Inhibitions to passion, hinder desire
Unabated lusting is what we require
So, say yes

Yes to wanting me to want you
Yes to keeping you besides me
Yes to guarded trust
Yes to being us
Yes to anything, anytime, anywhere
Say yes!

Water cooler thoughts

If there is nothing else I can say about the North Wind (aka God) is that he/she has a sense of humor and a more interesting sense of irony. Sometimes I think he/she plucks things out my head and make them materialise just to have a good laugh at my expense.

Ha Ha Ha! Good one - sa feb. We still we.

Fake love

For some reason which is not at this moment clear to me, I thought about Valentine's day today - God only knows why. I'm not a fan of the day; I think it represents a farce for what passes for love on that day. It's the one celebration I can say irritates me - I think one of the things that irritates me most about it is the expectations of the day that is built up in the heads of people...more specifically women. Why should I or anyone else on that one day, say or show more affection? Do I love you or show you I love you any less the day before or the day after? Why is it men tend to get boof up more if they don't do anything on that day for their woman? But if the woman does not make a fuss then it's ok.


People say Valentine’s Day has lost its meaning. Did it really have one to begin with? As far as I'm concerned it's a day to spend money on frivolous things so that at the end of that day or night you are rewarded with sex - and really if that is all it is about I can have sex year round without being disingenuous about my motives for expressing a genuine emotion such as love.

Star Trek

Sleep the final frontier. Between Jabari, allergies, shoulder pain, hunger, the cold, oh, and my dreams, sleep is becoming as undiscovered as space was to the crew of the Enterprise. I have lost count of the number of times my sleep as been interrupted for the night. Despite my fatigue and my attempt to retire early this evening, I have been prematurely awaken for one reason or another - it is as unwelcomed and unsatisfying as a premature ejaculation. This must be some sick practical joke of the north wind, perhaps punishment for some misdeed - considering my misdeeds of biblical proportions, if this is the punishment I should take it gladly and be thankful for the clemency shown by my benevolent big staff willeding shepherd.

Oh well, I thank him for everything that is sent my way good and bad, because something good comes out of everything, even in the least of circumstances there is something to be learnt that can bring about some improvement in ones life. Truth be told though, I'm struggling with grasping the underlying concept of this lesson - I'm sometimes slow on the up take.

I think I'm going to attempt a re-entry to lala land, Jabari is sleeping, I took some allergy medication, and ate a bowl of cereal - the rest I leave up to the north wind. Thank you for the roof over my head and the bed on which I lay. Amen

Saying something?

They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" - I wonder if there is any saying about loins along those lines. If not I'd like to take a stab at one... absence makes the loins grow hotter (you can add, subtract or infer what ever you want to my saying).

But there's also that say..."out of sight out of mind." Damn it! It seems for every saying there is a contradiction - if not specific then in general..."there is an exception to every rule".

Blogging on the go

I have resisted getting a blackberry for sometime - even after two of my phones were stolen and the third got water logged from carnival 2009. But alas I gave in to the allure, the pressure, I'm a puss damn it. So I will be getting one next week so I figured I'll get a jump on using this very versitile phone, so I'm blogging from Sophie's blackberry, I think I could get use to this.

Hungry thoughts

Thoughts of you induces mental salivation
Lascivious thoughts from erotic starvation
Bodies wanting, desiring, not having
Incongruence of thought and feeling
Mind and body fighting, resisting

Mental foreplay unbearably enticing
Wanting me, wanting you, move passed speaking
Thoughts turn to flesh, desires enmeshed
Sweating pulsating, words losing my breath
Foreplay ceasing, loins exploding, thoughts exhaling
Hunger sating, no more salivating

Got some sleep in Bocage

After a few minutes of TV I started feeling drowsy - finally, that was about after 4am. I tried going to sleep on the chair but it's not very comfortable - only Sofie and Jabari can sleep on that, they are vertically challenged (although I suspect soon there will only be one vertically challenged person in the house). I dragged myself to my bed - I figured half hour to an hour of sleep will add up to the two and half hours I got before I was rudely awaken. Eventually I drifted to sleep and woke up sometime after 7am - and for some strange reason, I'm not feeling lethargic. So I guess it's off to work then, I hope I get back home tired enough that there is no recurrence of last night.

Still sleepless in Bocage

One prune yogurt and a glass of water later, and I'm still here wide fucking awake. It's 3:51am. Fuck it, I'm going to watch TV. It's cold like ass outside and I'm already whizzing - I'm reconsidering this going to walk/run thing, besides I like to run with music, my music is on my iPod, the iPod is in the car - guess where the car is.

Sleepless in Bocage

God damn it! I'm not sleeping again. This time it wasn't because of a dream or because my mind was too busy worrying needlessly, no, this time it's because by belly had a mind of it's own. I woke up two hours ago hungry, I thought I could just have a glass of water and go back to bed, but my stomach had other plans. The thought of drinking water and heading back to bed had my stomach cussing me out in gastric juice language - I don't speak it but I understood exactly what it was saying. "Wah did fuck you feel nuh, I fucking hungry and you telling me about fucking water, try dat in your ass, see if you sleeping deh tonight in your modacont."

I understood all too clearly, I ceded reluctantly to the rather rude request. Having sated my hunger, I thought I would allow the cereal some time to settle in; after all, de man say "doh eat and lie down". I checked on my current downloads, surfed the net for a while and figured it was time to return to slumber. That was well well over an hour ago. What the fuck? So my belly cuss me out for food and got food, who in the fuck am I suppose to cuss out for sleep. Close my eyes, I thinking of all manner of shit, (I done reach Lucia carnival 2K10 and back already) open my eyes to darkness all around. Eyes open, cah sleep, eyes close I still cah sleep - what de ass is dis.

I am going to try to go back to bed again - not sure what's the point my phone will alarm in the next two hours. If I'm up still at 4:30am I'm going to go walking/running - by the time I get back home I should be tired enough to sleep but it will also be time to get ready for work; which becomes some what of a conundrum - do I go to work tired and unable to function effectively and efficiently, (but I would be there on time and "present", clearly present only in body) or do I stay home to sleep and eventually go to work. Then again, my body might be flooded with adrenaline and I would not feel the need to return to bed. Bloody hell man. You know, I could swear I just heard my belly cuss me out again for the same reason - in it fucking ass. I'm going to have a serious conversation with my belly now. Bye

Down the rabbit hole

On Sunday I dined on freshly slaughtered rabbit, slow cooked over stone and charcoal in a traditional pot (chodei - I think that might be the spelling), with fresh seasoning and coconut milk. Mmmm Mmmm good, - the vegetarians and unadventurous would not be able to fully appreciate such a delicacy. Soft meat melting off the bones, succulent, delicious meat. Yes, it was good.

We observered the life being snuffed from these cute fluffy white rabbits (three of them); and as twisted as this may sound, we could not help but be amused. There we were watching this show of might, superiority in the animal kingdom, on these helpless animals - and it brought back memories of our more youthful days. We recalled lazy afternoons sitting in front the television set watching Bugs Bunny out wit and inflict grievous bodily harm upon would-be villains. We recounted the many times we saw Bugs Bunny survive explosions, anvils, wrecks etc. and we laughed - "wah de fok dat dead". Two quick blows to the back of the head and the cute fluffy rabbit went into convulsion, breath slowed and eyes popped as it began it's final journey to that bright light down the eternal rabbit hole.

My notion of the indestructibility of Bugs Bunny has long been dispensed; however Sunday was a brutal reminder of the farce which passed for entertainment of my young impressionable mind so many years ago. Today I thought about the events of Sunday as I walked passed the students near the cafeteria and could not help think that their notions of what is, their innocence (what is left of it) will sooner rather than later be snuffed. Like rabbits to the slaughter, they will step out into this world and meet butchers, butchers of their dreams, their desires - some will meet a fate similar to those rabbits, and others may be quick enough to out run and out wit the butcher (that would-be villain which will come in many forms). But whether they survive or not, their view of the world will never be the same.

That thought soon expired as I returned to my office - but that damn rabbit would not let my thoughts be; then it occurred to me that there was some nuance between Bugs Bunny and youthful exuberance.

When we are young we tend to have this misguided notion that we are indestructible - the body seems to recover quickly from injuries, ailments come and go, you're vibrant ostensibly super human; kinda like Bugs Bunny, super rabbit he was. Nothing got Bugs Bunny down for too long, if at all - notice though that hare never aged, bled or genuinely felt pain. Unlike Bugs though, I have aged since those days - and injuries take a bit more time to heal, if I get a plok, I won't just grit my teeth and pretend I did not feel it (like I did in my younger days) - I will scream like a girl. I'm not indestructible like that cute fluffy rabbit on the TV, I'm a human being - my body ages and my mind is less impressionable. Growing up is certainly a double edged sword.

And to think that all this thinking came from a cute fluffy rabbit which turned out to be a damn good meal. Oh did I mention I discovered another part of my beautiful country with a river to boot in the process. The rabbits may take consolation in their demise knowing that it helped me discover more of my beautiful island - or maybe not.