I think, therefore, I am...

I had an existential discussion with my subconscious in the little hours of the morning pondering the beginning and the end of existence of nothing. Needless to say such profound contemplation of a concept so abstract can reek havoc on ability to engage meaningfully in rapid eye movement. This perpetual thought on the hamster wheel of my mind went on for what seemed like days in my cerebellum rendering me paralyzed  by thought - over-thinking.  

It seemed in my finite wisdom in the relative hours of the dead of night, I attempted to unravel the mystery of life, the purpose for existence, the why and how are we here. To be quite honest, I'm not sure that I ever zoomed in on the thought of why am I here, but everything seemed grander and more important at the time - this random firing of signals in my brain, hell-bent on transforming me to an unwilling creature of the night. Sadly, I did not find the answers, I wasted precious time and missed out on the opportunity to explore with the parallel universe in the recesses of my subconscious, and as dawn broke I felt the weight of my eyelids become unbearable, my limbs become numb and my mind become quiet - as I drifted, my parting thought to my weary mind was - you fucking soucouyon....

Something queer

Intuition, defined as the act, or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes; a sense of something not evident or deducible. 

It's that gut feeling you get about something, but you just don't know what, it just remains shrouded in mystery. You feel it, but you can't put your finger on it, can't explain it - to the point where you think possibly it's all in your head. Something is wrong in my world; I just don't know what, but I can't shake the feeling.

Live and let Live!

I really need to learn to be more accepting of people's view points, opinions, which differ from mine. I accept that the world comprises different people, people with varying ideologies, at it is those difference that make human beings the wonderful creatures they are, but it baffles me at times the thinking of people, it especially baffles me as to how judgmental we can be as human beings. I say we, because I do not exclude myself from one of those who pass judgement on my fellow humans actions - I try hard to not judge, especially not knowing the circumstances which birthed the situation, and being cognizant that everyone's journey in life is not intended to be the same. 

But it really rubs me wrong when persons jump on their moral high horses and look down at people, it bothers me more when they too are less than pristine in moral virtue. I suppose by that assumption, every wrong doing should be overlooked because we too have err, no, that is not what I'm saying. Admittedly, there are some actions which are more morally reprehensible than others, and these should be frowned upon, but then there are those we need not pull out our rod of judgement for, or at the very least take time to consider all the facts - beyond that we need to learn to accept that the only life we have control over is our own, at let people live their lives as they please once they are not breaking the law or causing harm to anyone else. Live and let Live!

How you doing?

Every now and then when I'm having a crappy day or a crappy week (of late crappy weeks) and someone ask how are you doing I would really like to offload on them and wait for their reaction. I think the next time someone ask me that question I will respond as follows:

Well, I got layed off, I just got a notice from my bankers, my car and mortgage payments are way overdue. They're going to seize my car and foreclose on my house. My jabal is pregnant, my wife is leaving me and taking the children, oh and she told me that I'm not the father of the children. Can you believe that? I've raised these children for all these years and now she tells me that. The Bitch! She leaving me for the children father.

I wonder what the response would be like to that sob story. Would they give me a shoulder to cry on, help me get a job, help with a couple loan payments. It's just one of those things we do that I question every now and then, it's just a pleasantry, small talk. Would anyone really care, or be in a position to do anything about how you're doing?

Suffice to say, my life is not a hot mess like that scenario, but sometimes I have crappy days. I need to stop lying to people about how am doing though. Today, I feel crappy, depressed, emotionally and mentally drained. I feel like I could run away to parts unknown, just hop in my car and drive anywhere and nowhere, alas I don't have my car today so I feel trapped. Walking anywhere is not a viable option, reports may reach people I love that I'm freaking out and walking in the hot sun, although the way my head feels now, I feel like I'm freaking out.

Wake me when November ends!

Shouting Matches and Tears

This November feels like the longest on record, not that it is, same number of days same number of hours, but when things seem to be crumbling around you twenty-four hours just seems a bit longer than normal. I've had an emotional roller-coaster of a month. Eighteen days through the month and I dread what is left in store for the next twelve. Every time I think I make progress, something happens to drag my mind, my emotions back to that negative space. While I am on the subject of emotions, yes I am a very emotional person, but, emotions swing two ways, negative and positive, more often than not my negative surpasses my positive. It's easy for my heart to follow where my mind goes - my mind is the rule of everything. 

It's been a chain reaction, spill over effect kind month. like catching water with a strainer - everything just falls through. One step forward two steps back. I need to hit the reset button. I'm in a funk, a heavy funk, and this is not the best time for a funk. Perhaps I need a distraction, or a temporary alternative point of focus, this is so not the right time for this, then again when is. Everything seems to be going south post haste. Sigh! Monday 18th November, November 2013, it ranks right up there with my low points in my life. 

All of life is a cycle

Someone once told me that men cheat in seasons, as if the same can't be said for women. Old friends and old habits slowly return. YeP, the season cometh. All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts