Just Another Story

They say the first step in addressing an addiction or moving past any problem is to first acknowledge and accept it; I have been in denial for a while I suppose, but every now and then you have these moments of clarity, my what the fuck moments, my Earl listen to the universe moment, my stop trying to go against the grain and prove everyone wrong moment. That moment came this morning on my balcony looking out to where that palwee tree use to be, and for a moment, I missed it - then my wife brought to my attention how she never noticed how tall the other trees actually were because the were short in comparison to the palwee tree. She highlighted that since the palwee tree had been cut down there had even been new leaves on the other trees. That right there was my moment of clarity, that ahha moment, that but why did you do that you idiot moment.

I can be quite stubborn, I really do like having things my way. I almost had a relapsed, but I kinda caught myself. I was better prepared to let go and walk away and accept that this is an addiction, an unhealthy addiction and my health is somewhat important to me, my mental and emotional health are paramount.  So this is my first step in my how many eth step program - I am sure it won't be easy, matters of the heart seldom are, but one must do what one must, self preservation is important. It was a good run, there are plenty take-aways from it, but I need to be away from it, let my palwee tree slowly fade from memory. It is what it is. Just another story.

The Palwee Tree

Moments of reflection, or life’s epiphanies can happen when we least expect it, in the strangest of circumstances. Mine happened yesterday while I watched my favorite mango tree being cut down. I marked this tree years ago to be cut, it was big, didn’t bear much fruit and what little fruit it did bear was out of my reach – and as if sensing it’s impending demise it made a turn for the best, bearing fruit with more frequency than any other tree around, mangoes were now on the lower branches within reach, like the tree found new life. I enjoyed reaping the harvest, taking photos of my harvest and posting them online for friends to see and envy my harvest.

But this tree had grown so big that it stifled the growth of every other tree around it, even fruit bearing trees that I had much preferred initially, but at the time it had not occurred to me that this one tree which I was reluctant to get rid of was the cause of the other trees not growing properly and not bearing any fruit. The trees in it's shadow all leaned away from it searching desperately for sunlight and space to grow. I watched as this tree I loved fell to the ground, loud crashing sound - you could almost hear it cry, every fiber of it's existence broken as it slowly collapsed, in that moment when it hit the ground I felt its pain, I felt my pain and it occurred to me what I felt had little to do with the tree. I prioritized my second favorite mango tree at the cost of my favorite mango tree and the other fruit trees around it - much like I neglected my first love for my second, blind to the effect it was having on them; in the scenario of the tree I don't know which tree I am, if I even was a tree; perhaps I was the man cutting down the tree, severing ties with my past - I'm not sure. 

In that moment yesterday that tree seemed a metaphor for my personal life for the last few years. The center of focus was the wrong place, the effects were felt by all, but I was oblivious as I got what I wanted and cared little for the blowback. As with every experience in my life I attempt to learn from them - this was indeed a hard lesson to learn. I have few regrets in my life, but this was definitely one of those regrets. Time to press forward; live laugh and love. 

Distractions

When we go through a break-up we often attempt to deal with the pain in many ways; the most common way it to ignore it; we find all things to occupy our time and mind, we get busy and "distracted" - but that is always, always short lived. Being distracted from the emotional torment of a break-up is akin to pretending to be an ostrich, if it sticks its head in the sand and doesn't see the threat it assumes the threat no longer exist. Distractions do not take the pain away, it just mask it for a short time - the minute the distraction is done everything comes surging back; you drink and lime and have a good time and if you consume enough liquor perhaps you forget, the opposite is just as true, the more liquor you consume the more the thought and feelings consume you. You bury yourself in work, your mind is fully engaged not time and space to let feelings of hurt, anger, disappointment and despair creep in, no time to think about your lost love - but you can only work so many hours, then you must get in your car, just you and the sound of the tire rolling by on the road and your thoughts, the minute it comes you try to push it back and it just pummels through. Distractions from the hurt you feel are the worst way to deal with a break-up; they only prolong the pain, they make you become distant and cold, build up walls, love a little less, live a little less - distractions are the breeding ground of fear to live laugh and love. 

Vacuous Statements

Women have truly been the bane of my existence; I have a perpetual love hate relationship with them – the love part being highly fueled by primal desire; the hate fueled by the fizzling of that desire. I have found over the years that most women should never be held to their word, although they may argue that at the time, in the moment they said what they meant, and meant what they said – but women are as predictable as the weather and vacillate with such frequency that it becomes dizzying.  And therein lies the problem, when one allows themselves to become emotionally invested in someone, and believes wholeheartedly their words, and turns a blind eye to their pattern of behaviour, ignores prior actions; invariably one sets up oneself for that earth shattering let down - love hate relationship. Words can be so flowery, sweet to the ear, because it is what you want to hear, perhaps even what you need to hear at the time, but as cliche as it sounds, actions truly do speak louder. Some years ago I wrote something to the effect that we don't always get what we want, but we always get what we need...even when we're blind to our own needs. Trust none of what they say, observe everything they do...give them just enough of you that it doesn't matter when they leave, because inevitably they all leave.

Alcatraz

To and fro the iron moved over the clothes; another Sunday getting ready to resume the week, back to the tedium of life, the weekly routine, my Alcatraz. In that moment I had a feeling of hopelessness, dread – returning to the place where I am unhappy for yet another week, doing the same thing over and over again; listening to the children, becoming increasingly annoyed with the very sound of their voices, the very thought of doing the weekly chores, to resume the weekly humdrum.

This can’t be life, there must be more to it than this, this is an existence – like dead fish floating down a stream. When did my life become this monotonous, like a song on repeat, a song you once loved and enjoyed, but it has played so often that you can no longer enjoy it, you don’t even hear it playing, it’s not even back ground noise, you become numb and deaf to the melody; aloof to what once brought you joy.

What the fuck is this?! I feel the need to escape, or risk losing my mind, I scream on the inside so loud that my voice is quickly fading to nothing. I am jaded. I want to run away from my life, but my life is no longer my own. I wish sometimes that I was as truly selfish as I have been accused of being; if I were, I would clean out my accounts and run away to nowhere, and everywhere, never look back. I would live. I hate that having these feelings of wanting to abandon everything makes me feel like a despicable human being, it fills me with a sense of guilt; but too much of this life makes me feel miserable, too many patches of happiness – like tatted clothing, little semblance of what originally existed.

I need help to find my way back. I don’t know where to start, I don’t know if I can do it on my own, but I don’t feel that I should burden anyone with how I feel. It’s foolish to think that I am the only one feeling this way, but in the same vein it is troubling to think that I am not the only one feeling this way. 

Living to a ripe old age can not be the sum total of ones life, that can not be your life's greatest achievement. 

Words are Powerful

In the past three days I have directly and indirectly experienced how the words people speak to others can adversely affect a person's mood; their state of mind and how they interact with the people around them. While this is not the first time I have seen the power of words on people, myself included, this week it was more acute, I was more aware - I suppose mainly because I have over the last few weeks making a more concerted effort to be more mindful of how fragile life is, and not waste precious time on the innocuous. 

One of the situations reminded me of a conversation with my sensei; it's interesting how hurtful words not spoken directly to us, or at us, still affects us - it's interesting what and who we give power over us. We may repeat the affirmation that the only person we can control is us, and therefore the only person we have power over is ourselves - but it doesn't always play out like that. I am trying to find myself in a better and different mental space, where I not only say that I appreciate life and how fleeting it is but I actually act on it, and make the best of the good moments, spend more quality time with the people who matter, the people who will miss me when I'm gone. Having years of living in the moment, holding on to anger and many other negative feelings makes this journey a bit more challenging, but I think I am up to the task, after all in my 38 years on this earth I have redefined myself many times - and I will do it again.

Choose Positive

I woke this morning with the word consternation gnawing at my mind, I could not recall the meaning of the word, but somewhere in my subconscious mind I began to pen a poem rooted in this word. Letting my feet hit the floor, I reaches for my phone to search out the meaning of this word which greeted my mind on this beautiful Monday morning.

Consternation, a feeling of anxiety or dismay, that can not be what greetings me first thing in the AM, it can't be what I will write about, no, I refuse. There has been nothing but dismay for the last month, filled with sadness and ill feelings, no. I dictate the energy I put out into the universe and what energy returns to me, and I have no deliberate intention on putting that negative energy out there, no, not me, not today, hopefully not ever moving forward. I choose to send out positive, to hop over the ugly and deal with the unpleasantries of life from a positive space.

So, today I will take consternation flip in around and bring pure good vibes to my mental and emotional space, and I will share that positive energy with all I encounter today. Bless. Live Laugh Love. Cheers to Life.