Alcatraz

To and fro the iron moved over the clothes; another Sunday getting ready to resume the week, back to the tedium of life, the weekly routine, my Alcatraz. In that moment I had a feeling of hopelessness, dread – returning to the place where I am unhappy for yet another week, doing the same thing over and over again; listening to the children, becoming increasingly annoyed with the very sound of their voices, the very thought of doing the weekly chores, to resume the weekly humdrum.

This can’t be life, there must be more to it than this, this is an existence – like dead fish floating down a stream. When did my life become this monotonous, like a song on repeat, a song you once loved and enjoyed, but it has played so often that you can no longer enjoy it, you don’t even hear it playing, it’s not even back ground noise, you become numb and deaf to the melody; aloof to what once brought you joy.

What the fuck is this?! I feel the need to escape, or risk losing my mind, I scream on the inside so loud that my voice is quickly fading to nothing. I am jaded. I want to run away from my life, but my life is no longer my own. I wish sometimes that I was as truly selfish as I have been accused of being; if I were, I would clean out my accounts and run away to nowhere, and everywhere, never look back. I would live. I hate that having these feelings of wanting to abandon everything makes me feel like a despicable human being, it fills me with a sense of guilt; but too much of this life makes me feel miserable, too many patches of happiness – like tatted clothing, little semblance of what originally existed.

I need help to find my way back. I don’t know where to start, I don’t know if I can do it on my own, but I don’t feel that I should burden anyone with how I feel. It’s foolish to think that I am the only one feeling this way, but in the same vein it is troubling to think that I am not the only one feeling this way. 

Living to a ripe old age can not be the sum total of ones life, that can not be your life's greatest achievement.