Gravity!

I fight back the tears, and my body shivers. I hate this. I'm back here again despite my best efforts. There is truth in some things are better left unsaid, but we can't pretend that they don't exist and hope it all just goes away, it doesn't. I try too shield you from my negative thoughts, and only succeed in creating distance, a fracture, that seems to never heal. I'm tired. Sometimes I want out, most times I want in - but above allow, I would like to avoid the ugly. The ugly, makes the good seem bad, non-existent.

I told a friend recently there is no human emotion that can not be describe by a song, any moment/feeling in your life - from elation to depression. This morning I heard "Why" by Annie Lennox, and it spoke to me. It put in song, what I was saying in thought. I have nothing. I can only beat up myself for so long, take on so much, think myself to be ugly on the inside for so long - it's self destructive. I hate battling with myself, I detest waging wars in my mind - wars between right and wrong, between what I should do and what I want to do. It takes its toll. I don't know how much fight I have left before I say fuck it and throw my hands in the air in resignation.

"...Gravity, it's taken better men than me..." Sometimes I feel like I want to run away from it all, start over somewhere new. But life does not have a reset button; I feel guilty that my life is not terrible, yet I feel I must escape it at times - many would trade their lives for mine. I should be grateful. My mother always says half a loaf is better than none - truth be told I'm not a fan of bread; and any time she would say that to me I had the same response, the hell with half a bread, I want the whole damn bakery. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to want more, to want different, to adopt the burger king slogan to your life and have it your way. Fuck I hate this space I'm in. Yet in a few short hours I will be laughing, drinking and having "fun" like nothing happened, like I'm not crying on the inside.

I'm a sheep!

Why

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG7I4oniOyA

Good Advice Bad Advice

"In Freudian psychoanalytic theory, defence mechanisms (or defense mechanisms) are psychological strategies brought into play by the unconscious mind^[1] to manipulate, deny, or distort reality (through processes including, but not limited to, Repression, Identification, or Rationalization)^[2], and to maintain a socially acceptable self-image or self-schema^[3]. Healthy persons normally use different defences throughout life..." (Wikipedia The Free Encyclopedia)

"In psychology, coping is "constantly changing cognitive and behavioral efforts to manage specific external and/or internal demands that are appraised as taxing"^[1] or "exceeding the resources of the person".^[2]

Coping is thus expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or toleratestress or conflict..." (Wikipedia The Free Encyclopedia)

The terms defence mechanism and coping in the context of psychology were introduced to me by my wife - and while it schemes at the surface of the theory and by extension the discipline of psychology; it was and continue to be very insightful - especially when it comes to interpreting and understand, to a certain extent the actions and words of that ever so interesting species - women.

Over the years I have heard utterances such as: "all men are dogs" ; "me I doh need no man in my life"; "I eh want to get married"; "I staying single forever"; "love is for losers" and the latest from a dear friend, "I have no interest in sex" Of course with me as it is with most people, one thought lead to another, and another and it was like connecting the dots in my head - which invariable leaves me with a bright idea, a moment of clarity, or just a whole heap of more questions. In this instance it was the whole heap of more questions which I ended up with; well more like one question - why is it when a women seeks objective relationship advice from a close male friend, to obtain a male perspective, they rarely if ever take that advice? 

Invariably when things go south in a relationship, rightly or wrongly so the blame for the failure of the relationship is often heaped squarely on the shoulders of the man - be it for one failing or another the woman rarely if ever assumes any responsibility for some of her short comings which may have contributed to the relationship taking a nose dive. Understandably, when a relationship ends, more so when it ends on a less than mutually amicable note, there will be ill feelings - inward and/or outward expressions of negativity. And there makes its entrance, defence and coping mechanisms - it is not without merit that having experienced disappointment after disappointment on varying scales one would become despondent, bitter, angry and a host of other ugly emotions.

It is the defence and coping mechanisms that helps the aggrieved party deal with these ugly emotions and get through the pieces of the failed relationships. But it is these very defence and coping mechanisms that I find particularly hilarious,  because while functional at the time - they are so far removed from the truth, yet at the time spoken with such conviction that I can not help but laugh at the silliness of it, and for me particularly it is ridiculous, given circumstances which lead to and manifest themselves in these mechanisms. 

But I digress, back to that question which found itself ricocheting off the walls of my brains at the end of my connect the dot session. Why is it when a women seeks objective relationship advice from a close male friend, to obtain a male perspective, they rarely if ever take that advice? I suppose this question would lead me into another question - if you value the advice/opinion of your male friend and seek his objective advice, have presented your side of the story, or giving your scenario; and he gives you what he believes to be the best advice for the situation from a male perspective, why would you not take it? And to compound the matter, having not taken the advice, and perhaps going totally contrary to the advice the relationship goes south; then you become agitated and angry, despondent, bitter angry etc. I just don't understand it; it is some what reminiscent of Alanis Morrisette's song "Ironic"

In the recent past, I have had three of my female friends either directly or indirectly seek my advice of their relationships - not that I'm a relationship guru, but I suppose they value my opinion. In each instance, I did not attempt to take sides but listened to the scenarios presented, the feelings expressed, made some assessment of what I believe the mind set of the individuals involved was, and gave my opinion on what may be the best way forward for the parties involved; and in each instance my opinion was disregarded - so much for valuing my opinion. While not one to obtain any pleasure from the finger wagging and the I told you so's; I could not help but think it; because in all three instances the relationships no longer exist. That is not to say that if my advice was taken the would still be around - as a matter of fact, my advice in all three instances was to walk away; in all three instances they decided to "stick it out"; and in all three instances it all came crashing down hard.

I say all this to say, if you are going to seek advice from a credible person then take it, if you don't have very good reason for not taking it, and having not taken the advice or taken the advice be always ready to deal with the consequences of your decision.

Sigh!!!!!

I feel my mind slipping slowly in the the dark recesses - it's an ugly place; I'm distracted by my thoughts, I'm trying to control them but failing miserably. The battle is on, trying to keep my demons at bay, my mind at peace. Breathe, inhale, exhale - it's just one of those moments, one of those curve balls that life sends your way. You've been through rough patches before, and come out on the other end. Breathe, relax, step away from the negative vibes, calm. It will work out.

Sigh!

Patience has never been one of my virtues - though I have by circumstance adjusted and developed skills to cope; re-frame; transfer etc - patience remains the least of my virtues. I grow ever aloof with my reality; but the facade of contentment is necessary, as the alternative is counter-productive. Sulking and complaining never achieved anything. A plan of action is necessary, be it a distraction, a clearly defined exit strategy from this doldrums or a mixture of distraction and exit strategy; what ever it is, I know something is necessary. I need to step outside myself for a minute and make an assessment of this situation and plan my way forward.

Alas we have hope

Hope is single-handely one of the most powerful and simultaneously debilitating human traits. Hope can give you the strength to carry on when you feel down, broken and out. But this very hope can send your world screeching to a crashing halt when despite all your hope, everything you hoped for falls through.

Never enough

Invariably these moments come around, subtly or not so subtly - when someone wants a little more than they can get; a little more than should be expected, a tad bit more than the terms and conditions of the agreement. The agreement was ambiguious, perhaps colored in vaguely penned language meant to confuse, or make subject to interpretation. It never matters how long it takes or the extent, but invariably someone will wish, dream, ask for just a little bit more - but more is never enough.