Gravity!

I fight back the tears, and my body shivers. I hate this. I'm back here again despite my best efforts. There is truth in some things are better left unsaid, but we can't pretend that they don't exist and hope it all just goes away, it doesn't. I try too shield you from my negative thoughts, and only succeed in creating distance, a fracture, that seems to never heal. I'm tired. Sometimes I want out, most times I want in - but above allow, I would like to avoid the ugly. The ugly, makes the good seem bad, non-existent.

I told a friend recently there is no human emotion that can not be describe by a song, any moment/feeling in your life - from elation to depression. This morning I heard "Why" by Annie Lennox, and it spoke to me. It put in song, what I was saying in thought. I have nothing. I can only beat up myself for so long, take on so much, think myself to be ugly on the inside for so long - it's self destructive. I hate battling with myself, I detest waging wars in my mind - wars between right and wrong, between what I should do and what I want to do. It takes its toll. I don't know how much fight I have left before I say fuck it and throw my hands in the air in resignation.

"...Gravity, it's taken better men than me..." Sometimes I feel like I want to run away from it all, start over somewhere new. But life does not have a reset button; I feel guilty that my life is not terrible, yet I feel I must escape it at times - many would trade their lives for mine. I should be grateful. My mother always says half a loaf is better than none - truth be told I'm not a fan of bread; and any time she would say that to me I had the same response, the hell with half a bread, I want the whole damn bakery. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to want more, to want different, to adopt the burger king slogan to your life and have it your way. Fuck I hate this space I'm in. Yet in a few short hours I will be laughing, drinking and having "fun" like nothing happened, like I'm not crying on the inside.

I'm a sheep!