Good Advice Bad Advice

"In Freudian psychoanalytic theory, defence mechanisms (or defense mechanisms) are psychological strategies brought into play by the unconscious mind^[1] to manipulate, deny, or distort reality (through processes including, but not limited to, Repression, Identification, or Rationalization)^[2], and to maintain a socially acceptable self-image or self-schema^[3]. Healthy persons normally use different defences throughout life..." (Wikipedia The Free Encyclopedia)

"In psychology, coping is "constantly changing cognitive and behavioral efforts to manage specific external and/or internal demands that are appraised as taxing"^[1] or "exceeding the resources of the person".^[2]

Coping is thus expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or toleratestress or conflict..." (Wikipedia The Free Encyclopedia)

The terms defence mechanism and coping in the context of psychology were introduced to me by my wife - and while it schemes at the surface of the theory and by extension the discipline of psychology; it was and continue to be very insightful - especially when it comes to interpreting and understand, to a certain extent the actions and words of that ever so interesting species - women.

Over the years I have heard utterances such as: "all men are dogs" ; "me I doh need no man in my life"; "I eh want to get married"; "I staying single forever"; "love is for losers" and the latest from a dear friend, "I have no interest in sex" Of course with me as it is with most people, one thought lead to another, and another and it was like connecting the dots in my head - which invariable leaves me with a bright idea, a moment of clarity, or just a whole heap of more questions. In this instance it was the whole heap of more questions which I ended up with; well more like one question - why is it when a women seeks objective relationship advice from a close male friend, to obtain a male perspective, they rarely if ever take that advice? 

Invariably when things go south in a relationship, rightly or wrongly so the blame for the failure of the relationship is often heaped squarely on the shoulders of the man - be it for one failing or another the woman rarely if ever assumes any responsibility for some of her short comings which may have contributed to the relationship taking a nose dive. Understandably, when a relationship ends, more so when it ends on a less than mutually amicable note, there will be ill feelings - inward and/or outward expressions of negativity. And there makes its entrance, defence and coping mechanisms - it is not without merit that having experienced disappointment after disappointment on varying scales one would become despondent, bitter, angry and a host of other ugly emotions.

It is the defence and coping mechanisms that helps the aggrieved party deal with these ugly emotions and get through the pieces of the failed relationships. But it is these very defence and coping mechanisms that I find particularly hilarious,  because while functional at the time - they are so far removed from the truth, yet at the time spoken with such conviction that I can not help but laugh at the silliness of it, and for me particularly it is ridiculous, given circumstances which lead to and manifest themselves in these mechanisms. 

But I digress, back to that question which found itself ricocheting off the walls of my brains at the end of my connect the dot session. Why is it when a women seeks objective relationship advice from a close male friend, to obtain a male perspective, they rarely if ever take that advice? I suppose this question would lead me into another question - if you value the advice/opinion of your male friend and seek his objective advice, have presented your side of the story, or giving your scenario; and he gives you what he believes to be the best advice for the situation from a male perspective, why would you not take it? And to compound the matter, having not taken the advice, and perhaps going totally contrary to the advice the relationship goes south; then you become agitated and angry, despondent, bitter angry etc. I just don't understand it; it is some what reminiscent of Alanis Morrisette's song "Ironic"

In the recent past, I have had three of my female friends either directly or indirectly seek my advice of their relationships - not that I'm a relationship guru, but I suppose they value my opinion. In each instance, I did not attempt to take sides but listened to the scenarios presented, the feelings expressed, made some assessment of what I believe the mind set of the individuals involved was, and gave my opinion on what may be the best way forward for the parties involved; and in each instance my opinion was disregarded - so much for valuing my opinion. While not one to obtain any pleasure from the finger wagging and the I told you so's; I could not help but think it; because in all three instances the relationships no longer exist. That is not to say that if my advice was taken the would still be around - as a matter of fact, my advice in all three instances was to walk away; in all three instances they decided to "stick it out"; and in all three instances it all came crashing down hard.

I say all this to say, if you are going to seek advice from a credible person then take it, if you don't have very good reason for not taking it, and having not taken the advice or taken the advice be always ready to deal with the consequences of your decision.