B.o.B.

The notion of having the best of both worlds is incongruent with reality much like the notion of serving two masters; in much the same way that you can not serve two masters equally, your share of two worlds will invariably be disproportionate. This postulation I suppose hinges on that age old adage of being unable to consume your cake yet have it in your possession - something has got to give as it were. But in era where old theories continue to be disproved, perhaps it is but a matter of time before one discovers a way to have one's cake and eat it too; and perhaps, as a species, we will evolve to the place where it is indeed possible to serve two masters equally and have the best of both worlds.

Perhaps, the crux of the present difficulty to evolve to a place of equilibrium is the innate human condition; perhaps it is a biproduct of our ostensible mental elevation from the rest of the animal kingdom; perhaps even, the evolution of our species has moved us from being capable of genuine individual cognitive process to a group cognitive process - truly incapble of thinking for one's self; thoughts and action in sync with the rest of the herd. Maybe it is all of the above, or none of the above, or some other variables obscured from my simple cerebral process - perhaps my processing is linear; or perhaps not...too many variables. This random stringing of ostensibly unrelated thoughts swirling in the mind searching for reason in what is deemed to be unreasonable and taboo...albeit the notion of it being taboo is just that, a notion.

My mind now settles back to the impetus, or genesis rather of this rambling..."love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting that they won't." This statement/quote hijacked from my mental escape in the guise of entertainment, brought to the fore a simple question; have I ceded, have I willed away my power? I can't answer this yet...again too many variables, probabilities, possibilities; I may have inadvertently placed myself in that position, but until such time as it is put to the test, I can not say with any degree of certainty that I have or have not given away the power to destroy me...I fear that I do not wish to find out. Best of both worlds; in this world it is not possible; you get the bad of one, the good of the other; good of one, the better of the other; the better of one and the best of the other...but at no time do you get the best of both; you must invariable sacrifice a bit of one for some of the other...eternally struggling to find equilibrium...

It is what it is

Time runs slowly tonight down your cheeks
Into a pool of regrets and sadness, soaking your sheets
When did this happen, how?
Warmth never felt so cold, a heart never beat so slow, feel so heavy
How did it get to this?
Melancholic consequences of inaction, bravado, misguided, mis-guarded
Indeed, pride comes before the fall
When did you fall, so deeply?
Couldn't catch yourself falling down the path you laid before you
Stumbling over the wall you so carefully built
Did you succeed in keeping anything out; or did you keep it in?
Does the wall feel safe still; has it kept out that which you most abhor?
What we dread often finds it way to our doors, beating it down forcefully
Till we accept that it is what it is, what it is is a feeling over which we have no control
Is this how you planned it; is this what you wanted?

Down low

I feel a bit down today - not even sure why; I think it's partly because of this message from Sofie this morning - it kinda upset me. I may be over reacting here but the tone of the message just did not sit well with me. Perhaps there are other underlying factors; like insufficent sleeo, don't know cant't really put my finger on it - but I think mainly it's because of that message or how I perceived it; it came of a bit dismissive, when I honestly did not feel what I said prior warranted the tone of the message. Oh well such is life...right now I feel like being home in my bed just wallowing...probably had it not been for the fact that J is at school; home is exactly where I would be right now.

Lent vs Carnival...

I had mentally penned a rant about the latest and most preposterous notion that carnival should be moved back to it's pre-lent time in any effort to make the faithful be more aware, and some how bring about respect for the observance of the lentan period; but my aoringal train of thought had since been derailed; but I am still sufficiently incense by the proposition that I feel incline to document my outrage. I have a few succinct and choiced words for the proponents of this notion/discussion; fucking poppycock, bullshit, hogwash, fokry - and in the local palance shate.

The idea that lent and carnival are ostensibly appendages is to say the least not logical not remotely grounded in reason. What to me makes more sense - I would like to think from a reasonable perspective (being mine) that if you are one of the faithful - fervent in your catholic of religious belief, you would not require the end of what many have deemed a pagan celebration to usher in or remind you of this most holy a repentful period - a pillar of your faith. To say that premise is asinine would to me be an under statement.

Further to add insult to injury (and the foolishness of this argument continues); is the demand by the faithful and self proclaimed christians that people (in a secular society) respect the lentan celebration. Hold on, has any one disrespected lent, has anyone said do not celebrate lent or move lent - what de ass. So what of respecting the people who do not observe lent; what of the non-believers - carnival was moved, what de ass; you'll to godly to care about the bachannal, why you'll want it closer to you'll holidom.

I think it's time people start exercise their grey matter, stop talking and repeating shit and above all else truly start to respect people right to be individuals and not conform blindly to dogma. I don't bother you when you eating your fish and praying - leave me alone when I drinking my rum and wining...Amen!

Rum...

I’m digging this new song by Machel Montano right now – Bottle of Rum...it’s catchy, fun and I can identify some what...especially the lines “...no need to wine on me in de party, I’m already drunk...I love me rum and me rum it love me...sober overrated...” But I had a flashback...well at least fragments of a flashback from my last episode with this vixen called rum aka alcohol (note how I ascribed a sex of female orientation to this enjoyable yet bothersome spirit – ostensibly most things which cause some angst in my life are of a female persuasion, sigh, can’t help but love to hate them sometimes; but I digress, back to topic).


I enjoy a good drink, but I can’t very well be in love with something that when we get so intensely involved with it leaves me with shards of memory; and multiple what the fuck moments aka Steve Urkel moments; you know that moment when an event flashes back in your minds eye and you go, what the fuck! Did I do that?...Without fail every time I have one of those alcohol induced what the fuck moments I say to myself I am not drinking any more – but invariably that seems to translate later down in the not to distant future as “I will not drink anymore than I drank the last time...” which by drink number X I can’t remember how many drinks I had the last time. It’s a fucking vicious cycle I tell you. On the bright side I don’t have what the fuck moments every day, or every other day – just random weekends.

So I had a what the fuck moment sometime on Monday when I had a brief flashback of drinking a flaming Sambvua on Saturday – what the fuck was I thinking; shit I wasn’t my brain cells had been disabled – those motherfuckers went off line by the fourth drink of my mixed poison. My what the fuck moment was upon realization that I had apparently burnt myself on the hand – then it all came back, in a hot flaming flash. I lit the drink; tried to blow it out but instead only succeeded in catching my hand on fire – but that wasn’t the kicker believe it or not – I stood there in amazement watching my hand aflame because it reminded me of Ghostrider, yes yes yes  – you know that Nicholas Cage movie; I was in awe at my flaming hand; fucking idiot. Like seriously, what the fuck was I thinking; oh yes I wasn’t.


In the words of my colleague the prophet Haggai – rum glorious rum, when I call yuh yuh bong to come...except I think this time around rum did the calling, I did the coming and my brain left...rum

Failure is not an option

It is either that I am getting numb to the feeling that follows failure - having experienced it too many times; or I have come to terms with the fact that it is a nromal part of life; yet another hurdle in this tumultuous existence that I must muster the fortitude to overcome.

Alas, I must confess I feel some what defeated, broken, down to my knees - worn from the battle scars; resigned to surrender. This battle has taken much from my - like wars of old, it has depleted me - left me questioning my resolve to press on; question my decision to trek down this path in the first place. As the battle wanes, the end in sight, the strength to carry on is fleeting - tenacity is the last leg on which I stand - faith gives me courage; to know that I am not given more than I can bare - and the knowledge that I am not in this alone.

Yes, failure is but another hurdle, a stumbling block to success, and as long as I do not succumb to the repeated pummelling of the agents of failure I have already succeeded. My destiny is mine and will not be taken from me; nor will it be determine by any force out side of me - success is mine.

Cob webs

Why do I find my self pre-occupied with thoughts of having no thoughts worthy of gracing this page...I long for a muse; a healthy distraction to jolt my brain back into functionality. My cerebral cortex has been having a Rip Van Winkle moment for too long and it bothers me...I need a jump start...some one help.