Consternation

Thanks for ruining this, whatever this is, it is what it is, and what it is is a place I don't want to be, with feelings of hurt mixed in with anger - ambivalent. Complicity in this irreconcilable duplicity. I hate this, walking that fine line, on a plank standing on the edge of an abyss of unfamiliar emotions, scared - fear of what lies beneath. Thanks for taking me to that place and bringing me back, from comfort to angst, trust to apprehension, in a breath, collapsing lungs with the wind sucked out of a fresh morning breeze. For what, fear, fear of being free from the shackles of guarded rancor; let it bloom, don't deny a slice of momentary illusion stretched into the minds reality, stolen but for a moment, succinct but enduring. Why extinguish this raging flame, pre-maturely, fear of being burnt, step back, take it in, bask in the awesomeness, the beauty of something so untamed - real. Live, love, fight, undaunted by the unknown - intrepid.

True Blood

I dreamt of an epic battle between vampires and werewolves last night. In my dream the centuries long war came down to one decisive battle - I was a vampire; me and my kind were powerful but out numbered and out strategized. The odds seemed stacked against us - ah, by now you see a familiar theme - fierce battle where I am the good bad guy and the odds are against me. It's been a while since I've had one of those dreams, and last night I'm not sure that I can attribute my dream to a resurgence of that perpetual war being waged in the recesses of my cerebral; or whether its was a sub-conscious dramatization of Sofie watching freaking "True Blood". Oh well!!!

True Blood or not I dreamt - and it was not an unfamiliar scene. I'm always fighting my demons, sometimes they win, sometimes I do - the war never ends.

Ambivalence

My heart bleeds but a minute at your sight

Tears come to the surface, but they won't fall

I feel for a second, but empathize for less

Wonder for a moment, how did this happen

What are your regrets

Then I dismiss all thought, all feeling

Till when next we cross paths

Private Dancer

I see you looking at me
Look at me, what do you see
Your eyes caress my every curve
You take in my every blemish, tattoo, piercing

I see you looking at me
Look at me, what do you see
Brown skin beauty, body just right
Bold, confident, sex pot, little me

I see you looking at me
Look at me, what do you see
Flexible, talented, strong, vivacious, me

I see you looking at me
Look at me, go on tell me what you see
Desirable vixen being all I can be
The object of your fantasy
Tell me is that what you see

I see you looking at me
Look at me, but you don't see me
This is not who I want to be
Your weekend entertainment
Exposing some of me

I see you looking at me
Look at me, let me tell you what to see
Long days and lonely nights
All the hardships endured in my life

I see you looking at me
Look at me, I'll show you more of me
Liquid courage, it's not confidence you see
This is not strength, it's the fear you don't see

Go ahead, look at me
Tell me what you see
Do you see my pain, my loneliness, my strife
The bitterness and emptiness I bury down inside
Look at me, look at me, see the misery of my life

I see you looking at me
Look at me, what do you see
Do you see stripper, dancer, a lady of the night
Do you see mother, daughter, some man's wife

I see you looking at me
Look at me, what do you see
What you're watching is the illusion of me
I see you looking, keep looking
Would you want to be me?

Carnival 2K11 - Nothing Sweeter Than That!

This was one of my best carnival to date. It's over but I had a blast - I think it was really special because it was the first time that I had so much family around me - my sisters, nephews, wife and brother in law. It was a carnival filled with new aquaintances - plenty party and alcohol. Family and Friends really add that extra sweetness to the vaval. I can't wait for next year. Unfortunately I don't have as many photos this year - but what little I have will be posted soon.

Mind Snatcher

Thoughts of you occupy my mind like grey matter does my brain
You course through me like blood does my vein
Poison me like the devils nectar, intoxicating
Taking me on an ephemeral mental trip, falling over you
Visceral pleasure muddling emotions
Delirium, confusion teetering between my fantasy and our reality
Unsure, unsure, unsure, of what is, what was, what is going to be

The Margins

It sucks when there is no one you can trust totally to share your thoughts and emotions with - when there is shit going on with you you don't feel comfortable enough to divulge to just anyone. I know this is of my making but it still sucks. I feel like the people in my life are just on the periphery of my life but not really in my life - every body gets a piece of me but not the whole - I feel like I'm on the periphery of life of the people in my life - filling temporary needs - but not really needed. This really sucks.