My type

I'm digging this song by Jamie Foxx featuring Drake - Fall for your type; and I'm really grooving to it and I thought for a second, what's my type, do I even have a type - I know, you're thinking you're married, the woman you married is your type. To which I can say yes and no - she's great woman, physically and intellectually astounding - by no means perfect, but she's perfect for me. I can tell you physically what attracts me to a woman - but then again not every woman fits that mold and may be attracted to them. So what's my type? I like a strong willed, free thinker - but every now and then I'd like to play the Gepetto (molding can be fun). Hmmm!

I think sometimes we gravitate or certain persons gravitate towards us - for me it seems to be attractive women with some sought of neurosis - which seems to fit perfectly with my handy man complex - which is my neurosis - my sometimes misguide need to want to fix people's problems, give advice, by that dude they can talk to and lift their spirits. Now that I'm seeing it in black and white it's no wonder my thoughts are sometimes so haunting - they just won't leave me alone.

Which brings me back to my question - what in my type? Hmmm! Still not sure, so I'll take the easy way out - my type is woman. :-D

All's well

I should be sleeping, I know, but your name was mentioned and I could not say that this was just a blog I once knew - like some of the tryst who have occupied my thoughts, sated my desire and left my life leaving nothing but a vapour, a hint of having touched my life - significantly or otherwise. "The Sheep_SLU", my sanctuary, my therapist, my outlet for the twisted thoughts that torture my mind - I could not dismiss you as merely something to do - a disposable pleasure - a timely distraction, no, to me you mean more than that - and so I return albeit briefly, to the clacking of keys , the letters strung together birthing words, words delivering sentences, sentences growing to an expression of thought.

Yes short, but sweet, it feels good to see my inside spill over onto this screen. I'll be back before long, before you have time to miss my stroking.

Rebirth

I have been dead so long - yet I had not noticed the stench from the decay that my life had become. I stopped, growing, stopped learning - become stuck in the coffin of my existence. But that is about to change, like Lazarus I have come back from the dead - not with the same energy, but certainly revived, with a new sense of purpose. The road to re-claim my life will not be easy and certainly not a destination, I expect that there will be moments when I may slip into coma - but my rise will be strategic, measured, focused. Every journey begins with a single step - watch me rise from the doldrums of my discontent and walk into a whole new world. Like a phoenix I rise from the ashes - let this posting be my marker.

Spaced out

This unfamiliar feeling haunts me at this ungodly hour, laying adrift on a plain of uncertainty feeling extraterrestial, my mind a smorgasbord of thoughts of meaningless refuse. Thoughts of being on the edge of something, unsure of what that something is. Slumber rejecting my advances - feeling like I am on the edge of creation, like I am waiting for something new - but what is it. What is this strange feeling tugging at my cerebral cortex, brain waves alive and loud, unsettled. Why am I sitting here at 3:56am stroking these keys? Why do my thoughts make little sense to me - I feel like am losing my mind, yet I'm sane enough to know that I would not be aware of when it got lost. What is this? Too many questions with no answers. I need to sleep, this feeling at least the lack of rest is all to familiar - the burning eyes the jigsaw thoughts, the need to quiet my mind long enough to allow me a brief reprieve to repose. Silence is golden, silence from sound, silence from noise, silence of thought, I need a hush.

Yes Massa

Just saw an article on the online news source caribbean360.com about "Norwegian cruise line to call on St. Lucia" - as I read the article I thought about how much I loathe this industry and the reasons why I loathe it. This purported service industry is the main stay of our economy - an industry so fragile that the slightest of incidents from natural to man made could de-stabilise it, send it in a tail spin from which recovery while not insurmountable will be difficult; but while it is de-stable the consequences reverberates through the economy.

Tourism, gives to the nation with one hand while inconspicuously robbing it with the other. An industry which purports service, but underbelly is that servitude - an industry which purports to award excellence, yet in the main (at least academically) bolsters mediocrity at the best, under achievement at the worst. I am certain there is quantifiable data that points to the direct economic impact of this industry - but what of the indirect and adverse impact. What about the countless single parents (more so mothers) employed in this industry, working hours which does not facilitate them being able to spend time with their children.

Yes it has created jobs but what time of jobs - what are the requirements of these jobs. Don't get me wrong I am not saying do away with the industry, but ask yourself this if the thrust is for growth in this industry and the entry requirements to this industry is low - what are we saying that we are expecting of our future school leavers. The thrust of this industry to me seems to perpetuate under achievement in the main - there are few spots available in this industry at the top and how many of them are occupied by St. Lucians.

I am uncertain as to whether this situation - our myopic economic development is an indictment on our government and policy makers or on joe public - maybe even both. Irrespective, tourism, that ever important growing industry - oh how I loathe it.

Crying inside

I hate this feeling. I want to curl up into a little ball and cry, I thought I was ok with this earlier - but the feeling of depression, ineptitude, failure it is like a snowball which turned into an avalanche that knock me off my feet.

Trapped

Despairingly steering passed these pools of brown
Into a place of gray and black, shades of life
Once vibrant, open, hopeful, unencumbered, uninhibited
Emotions, weathered from disappointment, frustration, betrayal
Bricks of pain held together by mortar of sadness
Walls fortified with loathing, insulated, shivering
The coldness inside, lonely, solitude a safe haven from vulnerability


Gazing at this shell, steering back, pondering
When did living stop and existing begin
When did fear become a refuge
When did misery become the only company
Entranced, searching for answers in the emptiness looking back
Comforted by words and thoughts, but barely convinced
This wall keeps me safe, silently waiting the day that it breaks