Uneasy Monday

It’s one of these feelings that you can’t shake, it’s not ominous – but it’s a feeling that something is not right; but you have no idea what. That’s how I feel this morning.

Trash man

You know every now and then you are faced with some situations that seem overwhelming; so it becomes necessary to give your self a little pep talk - tell yourself the only person you can control is yourself; remind yourself to take control of what you can and let the laws of the universe deal with the rest - ask yourself who owns the problem. But sometimes, despite your best efforts, the hand your dealt, sometimes of your making, sometimes not just slaps you in the face and you reel from it; it weighs you down, puts your mettle to the test.

Of late I have been feeling like a sanitation engineer; messes get created and I unwittingly get called on to clean the mess. It is obsolutely frustrating. Added to this frustration is the knowledge that the mess created was avoidable - but my upbringing won't let me turn my back on people I care about when they need me most; so I put on my gloves, roll up my sleeves, place my mask over my face to spare me the stench of this shit and I begin to pick up the pieces and shovel away the crap.

Ever Hopeful

I'm feeling a bit out of it this morning; between the restless night and the weird dreams about venomous cold blooded reptiles, it's safe to say I did not wake up on the right side of my bed. I really just wanted to stay on my bed and not have to deal with the world today; in the words of 3 doors down " I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind, I left my body laying somewhere in the sands of time..." Yeah, that kinda captured it for me - just vanish for a bit let my mind rest, let it ventilate; inhale clean fresh untainted, untroubled air and just let out the old; unclutter my mind, let go of my worries and just be.

I've been irritable and snapping for the last few days - just a bit on edge, partly because of inadequate sleep, partly because I have not learned to let go and have faith that everything will be all right - that no state of discomfort is permanent; and even as I type these words, with this knowledge in my head, it eases my mind none.

Let me digress for a minute. I pondered a few words read from a message not intended for me last night; and allow me to paraphrase a bit - this situation has taught me some lessons. I could not help but wonder what lessons have been learnt. Which also made me think of a couple things; 1.) learning, like all things, is relative, relative to the situation, relative to the person, relative to a number of variables - what you take away  from a situation, may not be what I take away from it; learning is relative to the individual; and 2.) which is related to 1.) learning is based on the perception of the individual doing the learning; and what you think someone should learn is not always what they are susceptible to learn.

Life offers us many opportunities and many lessons from which to learn, which hopefully contribute to us being better more wholistic individuals - sometimes we learn those lessons, other times they go clear over our head. I guess if everyone saw the world through my eyes, the world would be quite a dull place; and I may grow tired and irritate and my mirror mental images - so, with that I learn that things are the way they are because they need to be - you work with the situations you are presented with, make the best of all situations and be thankful that you made it to and from what ever ordeals life throws at you.

Now, back to our regularly scheduled program. I am not too happy with this feeling and mood I'm in this morning, perhaps it's simply insufficient sleep, maybe it is needless worry, what ever it is, I will take it in stride, make it through another day, wake up (hopefully) to another dawn and be thankful that I have an opportunity to improve on yesterday.

Confused

One of the many definition for the word affliction, is " an intense desire for some particular thing "; compare this to a couple definitions of addiction " The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something." or "an intense desire for some particular thing" (www.thefreedictionary.com). I find myself trying in my head to determine whether I suffer from an addiction or an affliction - either way, I'm not sure that this could be normal the way I feel, the instance communication between object, eyes, brain, heart and loins. My flesh is weak. The sight of flesh makes me weak - the shape of full thighs, hips and ass; although of late I have realized I focus (though still greatly appreciate) less on ass - thick thighs and hips and I'm hooked; eyes locked on and body shuddering. OMG! I am rendered even more stupefied if those hips, and thighs belong to a bow-legged vixen - geeeez! I'm still not sure whether this is an affliction or an addiction; but I'll tell you this much I am thankful that I occasionally get confused. 

Redundant

I feel like I need to write, but I'm not quite sure what about - I had one of those conversation where you've heard it all before; so you can tune out and come back and the conversation would remain familiar, which allows you to chime in with the well placed uhuh, ok and true. But, I'm to old for those programmed responses - I've attained the age, and a bit of grays, where I will simply say that statement is non-sense; of course not in such well mannered words; then again I may choose to entirely ignore the conversation, silence is just as effective in communicating that you view the contribution of the speaker less than worthy of a response.

What if!

Perhaps there is no deeper meaning to life; nothing after this - no purgatory, no heaven, no hell, no reincarnation; perhaps when you expire you just expire. That is a tad bit of a frightening  thought isn't it - that all there is for you to experience is this; it's an ominous notion that all you have come to know, all you have experience for how ever long you are on this earth is all you will experience - it will come to a screeching halt and then there will be nothing.

If there is nothing then why all the fuss? Enter the concept of heaven and hell - eternal life; either being punished or rewarded. Life would have little purpose, our actions meaningless if not for the abstract concepts  of eternal life steeped in the tenets of old tales handed down for millennia from guru, pundit, priest  pastor or some other mouthpiece of the dogma, to the ear of the willing, misguided, ignorant and faithful.

The idea of non-existence, after knowing existence is enough to scare one to search out something more plausible, a glimmer of hope that there is something beyond what we know; it is human to fear the unknown. We have yet to evolve to embrace what lays before us in all its splendor; to live life fully - we have shackled ourselves with the concept of infinity; even as we pursue infinity in our decaying shells.

Ironic that we fill our lives with nothingness and at the end of our lives we fear stepping into nothingness.

What if there is no meaning to this life; what if all this is a good show, smoke and mirrors; what if these stories are just stories, if they are hats off to the author(s) brilliant - it has served its purpose; what if this is a rerun of some terrible series on an intergalactic channel; what if?

What if I just wasted sleep time writing this; what if this was the only way to quiet my mind to go to sleep?

So many questions, so few answers?

Tisk tisk tisk

I know what I perceived you did; what is it they say about perception...hmmmm. That lingering thought in the recesses of my mind being brought to the fore by what ostensibly was a misdirection; a rouse as it were - clever slight of hand. Well played!

It's a secret

Flesh twisted, skins hot
Sweat dripping, lips kissing, bodies touching
Loins yearning, genitals licking
Damn it's wet, oh, your flesh
Serendipity certainly befell me
Tangled tongues in sweet caress
Dive in slow, been waiting so long
Ebb and flow of too and fro
Lose myself so deep inside
Your mind, my mind meld
Deep release, desires exhale
Finally!

Vicarious Encounter

I'm trying to keep it contained, my excitement, trying to keep myself from smiling foolishly. But it is so vivid in detail, so unbelievably serendipitous, that I'm still in awe, still besides myself with the unfolded events, the chain reaction of libation, conversation and uninhibited inebriated minds. It is so surreal, this moment on repeat, every heated breath, bid of sweat, taste of flesh; the sound of moist skin, wet labia of pulsing vulvas. What a delicious idea manifested. This won't be added to my don't remember box, why should it. It was a spontaneous expression of latent desire; an outward cry of inner suppression. What a memory, an epic event, to be recorded in the annals of salacious proclivities. Wanting flesh pregnant with lust, throbbing loins anticipating climax. Ah yes, this moment will not be relegated to the don't remember box; it will remain a testament of the silver lining in the dark clouds; the unexpected treasures stumbled upon when least expected, a reminder to listen to my inner voice and go with the flow. What an experience!

Unhappy

When did I get here
When did me time become we time;
When did I start to care
When did me become us
When did I give a fuck
When did choices of convince, become so damn inconvenient
When did quiet time get so loud
When did drinking for pleasure, become drinking away the pain
When did the sanctuary of home, become a prison
When did this get ruined
When did my thoughts become so loud
When did this happen; did I sleep through it all
 When did I get here
When did my happy place become unhappy
When did I lose me and in you
When did my free spirit become caged
When did unattached become attached, now feeling too detached
When did reality become a nightmare
When did life become living, now merely existing
When did sleeping to rest, become sleeping for rest.
When did this happen, when did I get here?