Hungry for...

It would appear that 2:27am is my new witching hour, this is the second time I have woken from my bed at that exact time from my bed for the week...albeit because apparently I was hungry, but today there was something else behind this awaken, I kept dreaming/thinking about soca and fetes and new music releases. They would not go away...this music this season, it's infectious it the need to bacchanal courses deep in my veins, the pulsating bass line moves me it grabs hold of me an consumes me to the point where I find it difficult to hear this music, this soca and not move.

I'm hungry for the sound, the beat, the cords, the lyrics, the vibes, it breathes life into me....ah! soca I love it, I must have it in my life...

Joke's on me

The universe has a way of giving me what I need, some of what I want, with a sprinkling of those things that I don't want. It is the latter I often have the difficulty with; to me it seems like a test, some sick joke played on me by the forces which I have no control over and occasionally wish I could strangle. The things which ostensibly are undesirable to me often seem to introduce to me an aspect of/to my life which is fascinating, which I had not examined, or which I had viewed with blurred, myopic and sometimes superficial vision.

These wonders which never seem to amaze some how weave their way into my life, becoming so intertwined that it becomes difficult to fathom my life without those things/experiences/people. They contribute to my life and happiness in ways I can not sometimes adequately find words to describe.

My life has not been short of these experiences; and it is all the more enriched for those serendipitous moments/occurrences.    The universe is quite tricky...on occasion it reminds me of this movie "Shallow Hal" and ultimately the message of the movie; it's never what's on the exterior which keeps you...the exterior get you to the table, the interior keeps you seated.

What

What did I say to make you think what you thought
What did I do to make you feel how you felt
Was it the way I call you baby or hun, what was it
Is it the way I make you cum, tell me, I want to know, what is it
Was it those words I said that past your ears and pierced your soul
What was it
Is it the way I touch your skin and hold you near, tell me, what
Was it the way your body feels against mine; really tell me
I want to know, what is it
Is it the way that I show you that I care, the way I look at you that says
I'll always be there
Was it my conversation about things other than sexual perversion
What is it in me, about me that makes you feel the way you do
What is it that makes you look at me with such burning desire
What makes you let me in close enough to make you do the things you do
Feel the way you do, tell me, I really want to know, what...

Sleepless in Desablon...the Saga continues.

I've decided to not ignore it any looker, this voice in my head speaking about things I do not care to hear about, while searching out my slumber. It's never left I have just simply tried to ignore it...a lot of good that has done me. So here i am again, different setting same story..clicking and clacking away at the keyboard, perched on my three foot high cream bar stool, dim glow of this screen.

Sigh! Is there no escaping this. I lay on my bed tossing and turning as I do many a night, praying for sleep to come carry me away, yes literally praying till sleep carries me away. This practice of pray till I drift started back around 2008/2009, round about the time I started this blog. It was one of the dark periods of my life and mind mind was occupied with the trouble of the day and sleep and I were estranged. When night would fall I would lay restless in bed, trying to sort through my shit in my head, until I could sort through no more, and all I wanted to do was sleep so that I could stop thinking. That's when this practice began, I would say the lord's prayer, then just speak to God like he/she/it was right next to me...at times I thought I was going insane, because I could swear there was a real dialogue going on and not just a monologue in my mind.

I would do this prayer/conversation thing till I drifted off to bed...of course I suffered many nights of springing off my bed at the witching hour, but I sort solace within the comfort of cyberspace; this blog has guide me through many a night and many  maddening thoughts. Suffice to say that this pray myself to sleep became such a part of me that once my body is in a position of rest and my eyes shut I automatically begin to pray.

Side note...a black and white cat just jumped through my kitchen window and went into my garbage...

Where was I...yes, so I've been tossing and turning for the last hour or so and I've said the lord's prayer too many times to remember and still sleep eludes me...so I'm back here. Till next time, perhaps my next post will be more exciting.

Yellow moon

I watched the pale moon light dance playfully on my brown skin, turning it ashy

Taken up in the gravity of the moment; the mystical pull of this celestial light
Allowing my thoughts to flow freely and precariously between then and now
Later an eventuality which may never materialize; lingering on the precipice of reality
Seduced by the low light of night and the gentle touch of crisp cool wind
Basking in the now; circumspect of the later; cognizant of then, a brief lifetime ago

B.o.B.

The notion of having the best of both worlds is incongruent with reality much like the notion of serving two masters; in much the same way that you can not serve two masters equally, your share of two worlds will invariably be disproportionate. This postulation I suppose hinges on that age old adage of being unable to consume your cake yet have it in your possession - something has got to give as it were. But in era where old theories continue to be disproved, perhaps it is but a matter of time before one discovers a way to have one's cake and eat it too; and perhaps, as a species, we will evolve to the place where it is indeed possible to serve two masters equally and have the best of both worlds.

Perhaps, the crux of the present difficulty to evolve to a place of equilibrium is the innate human condition; perhaps it is a biproduct of our ostensible mental elevation from the rest of the animal kingdom; perhaps even, the evolution of our species has moved us from being capable of genuine individual cognitive process to a group cognitive process - truly incapble of thinking for one's self; thoughts and action in sync with the rest of the herd. Maybe it is all of the above, or none of the above, or some other variables obscured from my simple cerebral process - perhaps my processing is linear; or perhaps not...too many variables. This random stringing of ostensibly unrelated thoughts swirling in the mind searching for reason in what is deemed to be unreasonable and taboo...albeit the notion of it being taboo is just that, a notion.

My mind now settles back to the impetus, or genesis rather of this rambling..."love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting that they won't." This statement/quote hijacked from my mental escape in the guise of entertainment, brought to the fore a simple question; have I ceded, have I willed away my power? I can't answer this yet...again too many variables, probabilities, possibilities; I may have inadvertently placed myself in that position, but until such time as it is put to the test, I can not say with any degree of certainty that I have or have not given away the power to destroy me...I fear that I do not wish to find out. Best of both worlds; in this world it is not possible; you get the bad of one, the good of the other; good of one, the better of the other; the better of one and the best of the other...but at no time do you get the best of both; you must invariable sacrifice a bit of one for some of the other...eternally struggling to find equilibrium...