Spaced out

This unfamiliar feeling haunts me at this ungodly hour, laying adrift on a plain of uncertainty feeling extraterrestial, my mind a smorgasbord of thoughts of meaningless refuse. Thoughts of being on the edge of something, unsure of what that something is. Slumber rejecting my advances - feeling like I am on the edge of creation, like I am waiting for something new - but what is it. What is this strange feeling tugging at my cerebral cortex, brain waves alive and loud, unsettled. Why am I sitting here at 3:56am stroking these keys? Why do my thoughts make little sense to me - I feel like am losing my mind, yet I'm sane enough to know that I would not be aware of when it got lost. What is this? Too many questions with no answers. I need to sleep, this feeling at least the lack of rest is all to familiar - the burning eyes the jigsaw thoughts, the need to quiet my mind long enough to allow me a brief reprieve to repose. Silence is golden, silence from sound, silence from noise, silence of thought, I need a hush.

Yes Massa

Just saw an article on the online news source caribbean360.com about "Norwegian cruise line to call on St. Lucia" - as I read the article I thought about how much I loathe this industry and the reasons why I loathe it. This purported service industry is the main stay of our economy - an industry so fragile that the slightest of incidents from natural to man made could de-stabilise it, send it in a tail spin from which recovery while not insurmountable will be difficult; but while it is de-stable the consequences reverberates through the economy.

Tourism, gives to the nation with one hand while inconspicuously robbing it with the other. An industry which purports service, but underbelly is that servitude - an industry which purports to award excellence, yet in the main (at least academically) bolsters mediocrity at the best, under achievement at the worst. I am certain there is quantifiable data that points to the direct economic impact of this industry - but what of the indirect and adverse impact. What about the countless single parents (more so mothers) employed in this industry, working hours which does not facilitate them being able to spend time with their children.

Yes it has created jobs but what time of jobs - what are the requirements of these jobs. Don't get me wrong I am not saying do away with the industry, but ask yourself this if the thrust is for growth in this industry and the entry requirements to this industry is low - what are we saying that we are expecting of our future school leavers. The thrust of this industry to me seems to perpetuate under achievement in the main - there are few spots available in this industry at the top and how many of them are occupied by St. Lucians.

I am uncertain as to whether this situation - our myopic economic development is an indictment on our government and policy makers or on joe public - maybe even both. Irrespective, tourism, that ever important growing industry - oh how I loathe it.

Crying inside

I hate this feeling. I want to curl up into a little ball and cry, I thought I was ok with this earlier - but the feeling of depression, ineptitude, failure it is like a snowball which turned into an avalanche that knock me off my feet.

Trapped

Despairingly steering passed these pools of brown
Into a place of gray and black, shades of life
Once vibrant, open, hopeful, unencumbered, uninhibited
Emotions, weathered from disappointment, frustration, betrayal
Bricks of pain held together by mortar of sadness
Walls fortified with loathing, insulated, shivering
The coldness inside, lonely, solitude a safe haven from vulnerability


Gazing at this shell, steering back, pondering
When did living stop and existing begin
When did fear become a refuge
When did misery become the only company
Entranced, searching for answers in the emptiness looking back
Comforted by words and thoughts, but barely convinced
This wall keeps me safe, silently waiting the day that it breaks

Fingers

Long, slender, stubby, delicate and soft, weathered and firm
Unassuming, pleasing, taunting and teasing
Soundless speech, a gesture, light caress, gentle stroke
Responding to command - touch here, now, there
Slide, in and out, licking, sucking - covert instruments of pleasure
Erotic, benign, asexual, amoral - always functional
Mine or yours, these beautiful extensions of us
Agents of expression, saying everything and nothing
Long, slender, stubby, delicate and soft, weathered and firm
Fingers