Many faces one body

Emotions are ephemeral; much like the passing of gas - one moment they are with you the next they're out your ass (like the pain they can sometimes be). Ok, so perhaps emotions don't necessarily exit your body, mind (or whatever other crevice it has taken up residence in) through your ass. But at some point it exits none the less, at some point the emotions we experience even the most intense ones dissipate.

I am not as easily angered now as I was in years past, but that is not to say that I do not on occasion get pissed off. It has been a long journey to get my temper to a manageable point - to say it is under control might be wishful thinking; I should get points though for keeping the thoughts contained to the safety of my mind (be cognizant that my mind has a limited capacity like a hard drive). I have been known to fly off the handle for the most innocuous of irritations. And tonight (given the time I am writing this I should say last night) was no exception - though I may have over reacted, I feel my vexation was some what justified. What did disturb me through the entire tirade (albeit juvenile), was my desire to hold onto that feeling of vexation like a hungry dog hanging onto a scarp of meat. All attempts to appease me and offer some sought of armistice to the situation was rejected.

Did I mention I had a tendency to behave like an asshole (I should make a sign); it's my default setting, but I come with options. One of those options being emotionally needy Mr. Remy (stark contrast to asshole Mr. Remy). Tonight was emotionally needy option; this is not an option often used because it is my most vulnerable. When this option is not used as intended (give plenty attention, touch, cuddle, kiss, talk - if the mood is right sex; believe it or not in this option, sex is optional) I feel rejected, hurt, undesired (yeah, that's the vulnerable part - I strongly dislike that part; hence that mofo is kept under lock and key most times). I don't do rejection well, my immediate response is withdrawal, followed by anger directed at the source. The learned mindfuckers a.k.a physchologist would say I choose to be vex - I'm angering, or some physchobabble like that.

The irony is, because that side of me is not let out often no one would realize when it is out; therefore I would be hard pressed to get the response I want to it - and guess what I rarely get the response I want. So it's back to the asshole and no one even noticed that he was gone. Does that mean even in my most vulnerable state I'm still an asshole. I tell you sometimes its hard being me.

P.S. Did I mention it is 1am - once I'm pissed it is difficult for me to sleep, I must find a distraction. Hence blogging at this hour instead of sleeping. I'll be mash up in the morning - wait it is morning. Good morning