Not Angel Gabriel

I decided earlier tonight to do some reading - I started this book Rum Justice by Jolien Harmsen sometime before carnival and just before my marriage vacation started - I need not tell you that I only managed at most ten pages over 5 weeks. So after more than a month of liming, it just made sense to pick up the book again (it's a good book, but carnival was a better story), besides which, my brain feels a bit dull - and what better way to start sharpening the mind but with a good book. That was the plan (you know what the say about plans right), but after a couple hours of conversation with Sofie, I felt compelled to blog - just for a short while.

A couple things occurred to me while we were talking 1.) we have come a long way from last year; and 2.) at all cost avoid conversations with my wife after I have had a bottle or two to drink (honestly, I was not counting - but I figure I must have had alot to drink on carnival Monday - though I will swear that I was sober in a court of law). Loose lips sink ships (remember that saying) - ok, my ship was not sunk; but let's just say I took some water on board. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh, hold on, I was not thinking. My brain at the time was firing on Dewars 12, mixed with Piton, Campari and Rockstar.

As I type this, it is slowly coming back to me - I vomited, not food, not alcohol; but some of the details of a not so long forgotten past. A past filled with pain, anger, resentment and all manner or negative feelings - funny, (not in a haha sense) in my state of inebriation that was the best conversation (at least in my convoluted, spirit filled mind) that we have had in a long time about what now seems to be the darkest days in our relationship to date (not that I'm anticipating or want any darker days to follow). It may sound odd, but I am thankful for that dark period - yes, perhaps we could have done without it, and Allah, God, the north wind, Jehovah (take your pick) knows I do not wish to relive it or any similar manifestation of that time; but it made us stronger - it gave me a better sense of what is real and what is not - it allowed me to discover my ability to express myself in black and white - and above all it made me realise (at least for now) that I made the right decision to ask Sofie to stick by my miserable ass for as long as she can; which by my estimation is longer than most women would be able to.

I don't know that we will be together till death do us part, no one knows what the future holds, I can only speak for the now - and for the now, I do not regret that decision I made on 17 December 2005. We've had more than our fair share of ups and downs in that short space of time - and in all honesty, most of the downs were my doing; I'm an asshole, I know, (I should get points for recognising that) all I can do is try to improve on the asshole as the time passes. An asshole today is still an asshole tomorrow, just a bit grayed and wrinkled with time - but even assholes need love.

So thank you for loving this asshole - sober and not so sober. We know I am no Angel Gabriel and far from a heavenly dream - but I am not always a nightmare.