Back again

I'm having a mini what the fuck moment and rather than lay awake on my bed - I figure it best to return to good old faithful; never fail me yet; always willing to listen; ever attentive ear - my best virtual friend. Just me and these black type case on a white screen attempting to channel my irritation away from my mind yet again. I loathe being built up only to be let down - then non-chalantly dismissed as if it is no never mind that I am upset and disappointed.

I am not extremely peeved but peeved enough to be here typing - followed by prolonged net surfing until my eyes are ready to bulge out my head; alternatively I may switch on the idiot box; no better idea - I'll go read this book I picked up months - if not a year ago and never got around to finishing, yes, that should work. Like I said my virtual best friend, always able to steer me right. Ok I'm off, going to get lost in the pages of my mind.

Forked tongue

You've met him before, that guy
He knows just what to say
When to say it and just how to say it
Stringing words beautifully
They caress you, touch you deep
You fight to keep your lady
Preserve your pristine
His words sinful, but licorice
Begging you to indulge

Yeah, you've met him
Every sentence stripping you
Closer to bare, every word off his tongue
Snatches breath from your lungs
Every poised breath, deliberate speech
Breaking you down, making you weak
Your lips say no, barely
Body screams yes, loudly

Yeah, you've met him
Occasionally you wish you had not
Damn it, his words
Sound so sweet to your ears
Feel gentle to your skin
Every now and then you want to let him in
Let thoughts become things
A careless fling
Yeah, you've met him before, that guy

Happy Season - carnival junkie

After effects



The Adventurer



Atlantis



Oh yes it is here - one of the jolliest times of the year - the time of year where I get giddy and lose yet another small piece of my mind (and I freaking love it). The band launched on Saturday and I was center stage (literally) - I had a blast and that began the carnival season for me. God, I love this time of year - the feels of excitement and wonderment, the atmosphere, can not be aptly described with words. Yes, once again it is here - and I am thankful that I am alive to see it and plan on enjoy every minute, every beat, every bass drum, horn, sound, smell - every freaking aspect of carnival.

Losing my religion

Foolishly I've allowed myself to slip into a place I should not be - a place dotted with specs of a familiar place of wretch; putrid, damning to the core. Slide down a slippery slope - unwittingly enjoying the ride, as I watch what I've toiled to build race pass my eyes. Madness, same exercise in futility expecting different results. Foolhardy, ah, but the beauty in repetition is that it has happened before - being caught off guard is but for a moment. So, I'm here again mired in my own convolution of self delusion. Losing myself in the familiar melancholy to find myself on the other end of happiness - or at least a state of I'm ok; or just fine. I've been here before and I know how to manage it - the sun will come out tomorrow and start a new days - like the gradual process of day to night; so to is my process of dusk till dawn.

Inhale - let it out!

I swear it feels sometimes like women do things to intentionally attempt to piss you off. Woooosa!

My conundrum

I know it's time to change my job when I sit in my car in the parking lot unwilling to leave it and enter that fucking building. I know it's time to move on - but I'm uncertain where and how, my exit strategy is taking too long. The destination from here seem cloaked in a shroud of mystery - I feel a bit lost and frustrated; my moments of happiness and fulfillment to few and far in between. I should not have to dread the place I spend the most of my day. I've thought this through, tried to change my outlook - refocus, but I seem mired in uncertainty - not a clear enough path. Part of me says to just leave this job and leave it to chance - take a freaking risk, but an un-calculated risk may result in even more frustration. Then there is my family and my commitments. Gosh I feel so burdened, it is no wonder I have these moments of seemingly spontaneous depression. The only thing that keeps me going right now is faith that this is not it and it will get better.

Ever constant wind of CHANGE

Once again I seem to have found myself dragged into another movement/initiative for social change - let's see how long this one will keep my interest; or how long before someone pisses me off and I decide to say fuck it. I'm not sure how different this one is from the others because at the root of it all is change, change of situations/circumstances, change of mind sets - but ultimately change which would result in a better society. Like I said we will see how that goes.

I found myself pre-occupied with the notion of change this morning, especially within the context of what has been posted on the "page" - and it occurred to me that not everyone on the page, is on the same page when it comes to change. Some people seem to be clamoring for a change of mindset, which to me seems like the ultimate long term goal; while others speak about things which can effect change now. While I do not discount the actions which will result in the short term manifestation of change, I consider myself a proponent of the former - i.e. long term change of mindset. For example, while a clean up campaign is all well and good and while result in an immediate change in the appearance of the physical environment - it would in my mind be more beneficial to develop among the people some sense of national pride that would not even allow the thought of indiscriminate disposable of garbage to enter their head.

There are so many programs initiate by government departments, non-government organisation and private individuals. However in our desire to effect change we keep either re-inventing the wheel or duplicating efforts - all which are an exercise in futility and ultimately frustration. It might be more useful to get a better sense of what is actually going on on the ground and get in where we fit in to enhance the work which is already going on - inject some fresh energy into it. While I am on this, why do we have the perception that to effect change you must be in the trenches or on the front line as it were - has it not occurred to us that some of us are better followers than leaders - some of us have better technical skill than management or people skills.

So yes back to change - to me change can be from some as simple as sharing your view on a subject, speaking out against some injustice to grabbing your placard and marching down the street in protest; but one form of change is no more important or relevant than the next and therefore should not be dismissed or discounted. Anyway, just had to get those thoughts out my head.