Losing my religion

Foolishly I've allowed myself to slip into a place I should not be - a place dotted with specs of a familiar place of wretch; putrid, damning to the core. Slide down a slippery slope - unwittingly enjoying the ride, as I watch what I've toiled to build race pass my eyes. Madness, same exercise in futility expecting different results. Foolhardy, ah, but the beauty in repetition is that it has happened before - being caught off guard is but for a moment. So, I'm here again mired in my own convolution of self delusion. Losing myself in the familiar melancholy to find myself on the other end of happiness - or at least a state of I'm ok; or just fine. I've been here before and I know how to manage it - the sun will come out tomorrow and start a new days - like the gradual process of day to night; so to is my process of dusk till dawn.

Inhale - let it out!

I swear it feels sometimes like women do things to intentionally attempt to piss you off. Woooosa!

My conundrum

I know it's time to change my job when I sit in my car in the parking lot unwilling to leave it and enter that fucking building. I know it's time to move on - but I'm uncertain where and how, my exit strategy is taking too long. The destination from here seem cloaked in a shroud of mystery - I feel a bit lost and frustrated; my moments of happiness and fulfillment to few and far in between. I should not have to dread the place I spend the most of my day. I've thought this through, tried to change my outlook - refocus, but I seem mired in uncertainty - not a clear enough path. Part of me says to just leave this job and leave it to chance - take a freaking risk, but an un-calculated risk may result in even more frustration. Then there is my family and my commitments. Gosh I feel so burdened, it is no wonder I have these moments of seemingly spontaneous depression. The only thing that keeps me going right now is faith that this is not it and it will get better.

Ever constant wind of CHANGE

Once again I seem to have found myself dragged into another movement/initiative for social change - let's see how long this one will keep my interest; or how long before someone pisses me off and I decide to say fuck it. I'm not sure how different this one is from the others because at the root of it all is change, change of situations/circumstances, change of mind sets - but ultimately change which would result in a better society. Like I said we will see how that goes.

I found myself pre-occupied with the notion of change this morning, especially within the context of what has been posted on the "page" - and it occurred to me that not everyone on the page, is on the same page when it comes to change. Some people seem to be clamoring for a change of mindset, which to me seems like the ultimate long term goal; while others speak about things which can effect change now. While I do not discount the actions which will result in the short term manifestation of change, I consider myself a proponent of the former - i.e. long term change of mindset. For example, while a clean up campaign is all well and good and while result in an immediate change in the appearance of the physical environment - it would in my mind be more beneficial to develop among the people some sense of national pride that would not even allow the thought of indiscriminate disposable of garbage to enter their head.

There are so many programs initiate by government departments, non-government organisation and private individuals. However in our desire to effect change we keep either re-inventing the wheel or duplicating efforts - all which are an exercise in futility and ultimately frustration. It might be more useful to get a better sense of what is actually going on on the ground and get in where we fit in to enhance the work which is already going on - inject some fresh energy into it. While I am on this, why do we have the perception that to effect change you must be in the trenches or on the front line as it were - has it not occurred to us that some of us are better followers than leaders - some of us have better technical skill than management or people skills.

So yes back to change - to me change can be from some as simple as sharing your view on a subject, speaking out against some injustice to grabbing your placard and marching down the street in protest; but one form of change is no more important or relevant than the next and therefore should not be dismissed or discounted. Anyway, just had to get those thoughts out my head.