It's back

It's here again, it's been a while but I remember the feeling - this battle raging on inside of me caused either by the imbalance of my yin and yang or the disposition of what I have come to accept as my natural state. I do not purport nor wish to be virtuous, it is not my nature - it is not a space that brings me any particular enjoyment - and that is not to say I consider or wish to be rotten to the core. It goes without saying that it brings a mischievous smile to my face to indulge in proclivities. Unintentionally, I find myself in familiar unfamiliar territory - and now my innate senses are beginning to feel threaten. The sad reality is that if you tell your self something long enough you begin to believe it - hence my conundrum; is it that I've told myself that I'm better at being bad for so long that I believe it is my natural state - or is it that I've told myself I'm being good so I think my natural state is bad - I'm not even sure that makes any fucking sense.

What I do know is that I feel a rage, frustration - a darkness building up in me that wants to be let out, and I'm quickly losing the battle to keep it in; I don't know that I want to keep it in. The naughty version of me comes easy - this goody two shoes shit is hard. We all have our lot in life - who ever said mine was to be a saint or saint like.

I need this release like a junkie needs a fix - I feel like I'm going through withdrawal - just one hit. Who am I kidding, one hit will become two, then three....This shit works in cycles for me. I'm a moody motherfucker, so right now I'm in my be good mood. But the universe is funny that way, it likes playing and testing me - when I say NO, it throws all the temptation at me - when I give in it sends me the stress that makes me want to retreat.

Yep, the universe is speaking loudly to me - I hear you, let's do this - on this occasion I'll be dead fish - fuck it, I'm going with the flow.