Nuptials

I had this conversation with Sofie about marriage, more specifically the half truths and omissions about marriage which are often perpetuated by what many people consider to be the "veterans" in the business/marriage. It seemed passing strange to both of us that when "veterans" talk about marriage the first thing they mention is the number of years they have been married - I can only assume that it is a badge of honour having survived past a certain number of years (it varies depending on how big an asshole your partner is). Then there are often the stories of how they met; how one person was not interested in the other - more often than not it is the woman that did not want the man, right; we know how that story goes . I suspect all women were given subliminal messages in their youth to either pretend they don't want the man they eventually end up marrying or at least say that non-sense when they are exchange war stories - sorry, marriage stories.

The stories often follow the same rosy path that leave the unmarried women in the room with a warm feeling inside and just a spot of hope that their Mr. Right (not Mr. Almost right) or prince charming is only one frog kiss away.

With men it is not that much different, but the story is not as cheerful I suppose - I suspect that too is a default setting to leave other men and some women thinking that marriage is one of the worst things you could do in your life. Men usually start with a painful sigh, lament the number of years they have been married almost like they are enduring through a prison sentence. Then their story of pursuit is often the same as the woman (because the woman must always seem to be unattainable); but the end of the man's story is more fun because despite the pretense of not being interested, he still got some and got the woman.

It is a rare (yet refreshing) occurrence when married people (more so the women) tell you about the not so happy years of marriage and how they survived them and for men to speak of the happy days in the marriage. Indeed it would seem that opposites attract. Men rarely admit that they did shit in the relationship (ok, ok, I have done what some may consider more than my fair share of shit - I love you baby, I'm a work in progress bare with me a bit), and women often seem to suffer from the angel complex - they can do no wrong. Marriage is no more complicated than the people involved in the marriage, and like any other thing in this life worth having, it will not always come easy - and hanging on to it is even more difficult. That is the true commitment - sticking to it, through the shit; granted some of the shit is not worth sticking through; and in the words of Kenny Rogers, "you got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run."Sofie asked me when am I going to run - not yet, it's a hand worth holding (for now :))

Life is not always happy - what makes anyone believe that a marriage would be any different; I blame it on the fairy tales of happily ever after. Marriage like any aspect of your life is as happy as you make it, you will hit a couple snags of course but you don't allow them to determine the out come of the rest of your life. Ultimately you are responsible for your happiness and the only person you have any control over is you. Take as much time as you need to choose your life partner; accept that even when you think you have them all figured out, you don't; accept that things don't always work out as planned and you sometimes have to roll with the punches; understand that you should not place everyone in a neat little box; accept people may choose to change or remain the same - be ready to deal with either; and if you are not, then know that marriage probably isn't for you (and if you are already married and have not come to grips with any of the above accept that your marriage may have a very short shelf life). A failed marriage does not make you a failure and a long marriage does not make you a success.

Through the good times and the not so good times, I'll say it loud and say it proud - I"M MARRIED (I'll whisper - for now) . According to my boy, who vex call de poll-lease (pronounce as spelt).