Never enough

Invariably these moments come around, subtly or not so subtly - when someone wants a little more than they can get; a little more than should be expected, a tad bit more than the terms and conditions of the agreement. The agreement was ambiguious, perhaps colored in vaguely penned language meant to confuse, or make subject to interpretation. It never matters how long it takes or the extent, but invariably someone will wish, dream, ask for just a little bit more - but more is never enough.

Still Nothing

I heard what you said when you said nothing
Saw your thoughts run through my head
I know what you thought when your mind was clear
Mental telepathy, your words moved through my lips
We're connected, you think it, I voice it, you say it I ponder it
Separate brains with singular thoughts, giving multiple signals
Different patterns, same cloth
Together but alone, alone with each other, but not alone at all
You speak loudest when you say nothing
In that nothing I found something, in your nothing I found everything I needed to know
In knowing everything, I am no wiser about anything about this thing
Undefined in its definition, an aberration of circumstance
Logical consequence, cause and effect, wrapped in clichés of what is, what was
And it is what it is, going with the flow, the ebb, what was it, what is it, it just is
Meandering thoughts of nothing, thinking of something, doubtful of everything
Resigned to anything, holding on to nothing...

Perfection is a farce

Next time you find your self in a conversation where the person begins something like this "...in a perfect world..." be sure to stop them mid-sentence and insist that they add or change a word or two - so they should say "...in my perfect world..." or "...in my version of a perfect world...", and allow them to carry on smartly.

Really and truly the notion of a perfect world, at least a perfect world for everyone is a fantasy - something that can not possibly exist; because invariable we all view perfection from our perspective differently. By way of example, in my perfect world I would be in a poly-amorous relationship with the occasional cameo lover(s); I would own another vehicle; be making enough money to pay all my bills with money left over to lime everyday if I so choose, take my family on vacation abroad, go on shopping sprees etc and still be able to have a healthy six figure balance in my savings account - never have a single financial worry. Everyone around me will be well taken care of; we would all be in good health. My list could go on, this is not an exhaustive list.

You then have to ask your self in my perfect world, is that what the other people who I think should be part of my world believe that to be their perfect world. There would be no problem with good health and plenty money - but the rest,hmmmm

Nothing

Desperately I return to slumber hoping to get a glimpse, but I get nothing
Not a lingering scent, gentle touch, a warm smile. Nothing!
My conscience mind yearn something, my sub-conscience won't cede
Languishing in desperation, hoping for a vision of your radiance,
That thing, the essence and aura of you that puts me at ease, but I get nothing.
Eluding slumber with the hope of the impossible
Seeking the impossible in the realm of my mind, only there is the impossible truly possible
But I got nothing! Desperate times call for desperate measures
And in my desperate times I settled to have you only in my dreams, make my dream my reality
But even in my dreams, I got nothing!

No company

Misery loves company but right about now I would make terrible company...

Committed and Quasi-Committed

While walking through the wet streets of Castries, torrents beating down on my umbrella turn strainer, I had a thought of a post; a light bulb moment - not really more like I need to get rid of my mental toxins moment; you know how it is - when the body wants to get rid of toxins in your body, you piss, shit or sweat - when my mind needs to get rid of toxins I vent, verbally or written. In this case I opt to write. I need to get rid of toxins, not because I am vexed by them, but to use a medical adage "better out than in".

As with most of my post this has its genesis in the affairs of man and woman - in committed and quasi-committed relationships; don't ask what's quasi-committed relationships, I just made it up. Right, where was I - yes; committed, not as it sent to the lunny bin, but as in commitment - something entered into for the long haul (of course this is not the official definition; nor the definition often used when spoken in the context of relationships); but between these lines of black and white, committed and commitment means what ever I say it means.

Oh gosh, again I digress. So the words often repeated, inspired by different emotions fueled (or not) by liquid courage, or that euphoric feeling experienced at the end of a surging orgasm, or some emotionally traumatic experience is - "...you know I eh leaving you..." or some variation of those words amount to the same thing - these few words got me thinking a bit. What is meant by these words? Why do we say them? Is there fine print whispered under the breath of the person saying it - is it a conditional statement? Is it "...I eh leaving you..." in words and until better comes in thoughts, or I eh leaving you in words and until you fuck up in thoughts. Does this statement carry any weight? I suppose it is dependent on the level of commitment or quasi-commitment as it were. My experience has taught me that no definitive statement can be made on staying power, not in committed nor quasi-committed relationships. Ultimately time unravels all mysteries and brings to light the truth about how much your committed or quasi-committed partner eh going to leave you.

Yep so that was it propagated on random conversation.

Random Strangers

Ever stare into the face of random people and wonder what is their story - observe their walk, the contours and expression of their face and think what has their life been like; what is that expression about. Ever smiled just because a random stranger passed you by with a smile on their face; or feel a deep sense of sorrow because someone walked by with a pained sorrowful expression on their face.

For me it's not those random faces of happy expressions which intrigue me, but the pained sorrowful faces; the permanent expression of anger - those expression which do not necessarily convey elation on any level. I once saw an older man sitting on the back of a pick up, clothes worn, skin darkened by the sun. As the van passed by I noticed two things; it had been a long had day for him, and he had a lot on his mind - but what ever it was on his mind weighed him down and drained him a lot more than the labors of the day did. I thought for a moment what is it that pained him so, and why is it that man (by that I mean mankind) must endure such hardship - why do so few have so much and so many struggle. Was he worried about how he would feed his family, how his body ached from those hard days and he needed rest but could not afford it; was he disappointed in how his life had turned out, what was it that caused him to outwardly express what he inwardly felt.

This morning I was an elderly gentleman walking through the streets with his cane - his face a blank, expressionless, he seemed like the effects of age and illness had taken over his body and there was just enough energy left in him to shuffle one foot pass the other. And I wondered, how did he live his life, was he happy - does his family care about him. Side note, I swear I spend too much time in idle thoughts.

I think what really got me thinking about this, apart from the expressions on these people's faces was the fact that in our day to day interaction with people, we rarely if at all ever stop to consider that person's story, what has that person been through for the day - are they having a good day, did they even eat for the day, are they feeling utterly depressed. We go through our lives sometime oblivious to other people, whether they affect our lives directly or indirectly - maybe we need to stop to ponder about the life of a random stranger every now and then...