Committed and Quasi-Committed

While walking through the wet streets of Castries, torrents beating down on my umbrella turn strainer, I had a thought of a post; a light bulb moment - not really more like I need to get rid of my mental toxins moment; you know how it is - when the body wants to get rid of toxins in your body, you piss, shit or sweat - when my mind needs to get rid of toxins I vent, verbally or written. In this case I opt to write. I need to get rid of toxins, not because I am vexed by them, but to use a medical adage "better out than in".

As with most of my post this has its genesis in the affairs of man and woman - in committed and quasi-committed relationships; don't ask what's quasi-committed relationships, I just made it up. Right, where was I - yes; committed, not as it sent to the lunny bin, but as in commitment - something entered into for the long haul (of course this is not the official definition; nor the definition often used when spoken in the context of relationships); but between these lines of black and white, committed and commitment means what ever I say it means.

Oh gosh, again I digress. So the words often repeated, inspired by different emotions fueled (or not) by liquid courage, or that euphoric feeling experienced at the end of a surging orgasm, or some emotionally traumatic experience is - "...you know I eh leaving you..." or some variation of those words amount to the same thing - these few words got me thinking a bit. What is meant by these words? Why do we say them? Is there fine print whispered under the breath of the person saying it - is it a conditional statement? Is it "...I eh leaving you..." in words and until better comes in thoughts, or I eh leaving you in words and until you fuck up in thoughts. Does this statement carry any weight? I suppose it is dependent on the level of commitment or quasi-commitment as it were. My experience has taught me that no definitive statement can be made on staying power, not in committed nor quasi-committed relationships. Ultimately time unravels all mysteries and brings to light the truth about how much your committed or quasi-committed partner eh going to leave you.

Yep so that was it propagated on random conversation.

Random Strangers

Ever stare into the face of random people and wonder what is their story - observe their walk, the contours and expression of their face and think what has their life been like; what is that expression about. Ever smiled just because a random stranger passed you by with a smile on their face; or feel a deep sense of sorrow because someone walked by with a pained sorrowful expression on their face.

For me it's not those random faces of happy expressions which intrigue me, but the pained sorrowful faces; the permanent expression of anger - those expression which do not necessarily convey elation on any level. I once saw an older man sitting on the back of a pick up, clothes worn, skin darkened by the sun. As the van passed by I noticed two things; it had been a long had day for him, and he had a lot on his mind - but what ever it was on his mind weighed him down and drained him a lot more than the labors of the day did. I thought for a moment what is it that pained him so, and why is it that man (by that I mean mankind) must endure such hardship - why do so few have so much and so many struggle. Was he worried about how he would feed his family, how his body ached from those hard days and he needed rest but could not afford it; was he disappointed in how his life had turned out, what was it that caused him to outwardly express what he inwardly felt.

This morning I was an elderly gentleman walking through the streets with his cane - his face a blank, expressionless, he seemed like the effects of age and illness had taken over his body and there was just enough energy left in him to shuffle one foot pass the other. And I wondered, how did he live his life, was he happy - does his family care about him. Side note, I swear I spend too much time in idle thoughts.

I think what really got me thinking about this, apart from the expressions on these people's faces was the fact that in our day to day interaction with people, we rarely if at all ever stop to consider that person's story, what has that person been through for the day - are they having a good day, did they even eat for the day, are they feeling utterly depressed. We go through our lives sometime oblivious to other people, whether they affect our lives directly or indirectly - maybe we need to stop to ponder about the life of a random stranger every now and then...

The Fray

Lost in an ocean of thoughts, these waves my only company
Drawing near to the horizon of doubt and uncertainty
Treading through these waters, unsure of the dangers beneath or ahead
Moving blindly through, undeterred by fear, not unfettered from reality
Holding on to the buoy of discretion, keeping afloat, riding out these waves

The highs, the lows, the calm of plateaus, foreboding calm before tumultuous storms
Teetering on swells of emotions, and whirlpools of discontent  
Navigating  through these not so unfamiliar waters, waves breaking, but not breaking me down
Charting this course, narrowly escaping obstacles crossing my path
Not so alone on this journey, unafraid of being lost on this ocean
These waves and my thoughts my only company

Hungry for...

It would appear that 2:27am is my new witching hour, this is the second time I have woken from my bed at that exact time from my bed for the week...albeit because apparently I was hungry, but today there was something else behind this awaken, I kept dreaming/thinking about soca and fetes and new music releases. They would not go away...this music this season, it's infectious it the need to bacchanal courses deep in my veins, the pulsating bass line moves me it grabs hold of me an consumes me to the point where I find it difficult to hear this music, this soca and not move.

I'm hungry for the sound, the beat, the cords, the lyrics, the vibes, it breathes life into me....ah! soca I love it, I must have it in my life...

Joke's on me

The universe has a way of giving me what I need, some of what I want, with a sprinkling of those things that I don't want. It is the latter I often have the difficulty with; to me it seems like a test, some sick joke played on me by the forces which I have no control over and occasionally wish I could strangle. The things which ostensibly are undesirable to me often seem to introduce to me an aspect of/to my life which is fascinating, which I had not examined, or which I had viewed with blurred, myopic and sometimes superficial vision.

These wonders which never seem to amaze some how weave their way into my life, becoming so intertwined that it becomes difficult to fathom my life without those things/experiences/people. They contribute to my life and happiness in ways I can not sometimes adequately find words to describe.

My life has not been short of these experiences; and it is all the more enriched for those serendipitous moments/occurrences.    The universe is quite tricky...on occasion it reminds me of this movie "Shallow Hal" and ultimately the message of the movie; it's never what's on the exterior which keeps you...the exterior get you to the table, the interior keeps you seated.

What

What did I say to make you think what you thought
What did I do to make you feel how you felt
Was it the way I call you baby or hun, what was it
Is it the way I make you cum, tell me, I want to know, what is it
Was it those words I said that past your ears and pierced your soul
What was it
Is it the way I touch your skin and hold you near, tell me, what
Was it the way your body feels against mine; really tell me
I want to know, what is it
Is it the way that I show you that I care, the way I look at you that says
I'll always be there
Was it my conversation about things other than sexual perversion
What is it in me, about me that makes you feel the way you do
What is it that makes you look at me with such burning desire
What makes you let me in close enough to make you do the things you do
Feel the way you do, tell me, I really want to know, what...

Sleepless in Desablon...the Saga continues.

I've decided to not ignore it any looker, this voice in my head speaking about things I do not care to hear about, while searching out my slumber. It's never left I have just simply tried to ignore it...a lot of good that has done me. So here i am again, different setting same story..clicking and clacking away at the keyboard, perched on my three foot high cream bar stool, dim glow of this screen.

Sigh! Is there no escaping this. I lay on my bed tossing and turning as I do many a night, praying for sleep to come carry me away, yes literally praying till sleep carries me away. This practice of pray till I drift started back around 2008/2009, round about the time I started this blog. It was one of the dark periods of my life and mind mind was occupied with the trouble of the day and sleep and I were estranged. When night would fall I would lay restless in bed, trying to sort through my shit in my head, until I could sort through no more, and all I wanted to do was sleep so that I could stop thinking. That's when this practice began, I would say the lord's prayer, then just speak to God like he/she/it was right next to me...at times I thought I was going insane, because I could swear there was a real dialogue going on and not just a monologue in my mind.

I would do this prayer/conversation thing till I drifted off to bed...of course I suffered many nights of springing off my bed at the witching hour, but I sort solace within the comfort of cyberspace; this blog has guide me through many a night and many  maddening thoughts. Suffice to say that this pray myself to sleep became such a part of me that once my body is in a position of rest and my eyes shut I automatically begin to pray.

Side note...a black and white cat just jumped through my kitchen window and went into my garbage...

Where was I...yes, so I've been tossing and turning for the last hour or so and I've said the lord's prayer too many times to remember and still sleep eludes me...so I'm back here. Till next time, perhaps my next post will be more exciting.